If I have ever pretended like I've got my life under control, please forgive me. If I've ever given you the impression from this blog that I know all the answers, please, again, forgive me. Because, I am. actually. a. mess. A complete mess. Especially, right this minute. I have no answers, and I don't have a clue what I am doing.
I have wasted my entire summer. Flushed the whole thing down the toilet.
I was deeply invested in two projects that both ended up a complete bust. I'm heartbroken about one of them. The other? I feel defeated. One, I can talk about. The other, I can't.
I had such high hopes that our lives were going to change for the better this summer. We were going to get our house in order, sell it, and move closer to church. We have been dreaming of this for so long. We've wanted to be closer to our friends, closer to the kid's school, closer to community.
Big dreams. Big bust.
I have worked so hard: de-cluttering, selling and cleaning. Now, I have pretty much given up. After all the work I've done, there's still twice as much left to do. I've hit a wall. A big, fat, depressing, iron wall. I give up on all of it: dreams, desires, everything. Just flush them all, I don't even care.
I can relate to Solomon in Ecclesiastes, where he says, "Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless." Amen, brother Solomon. I feel you, man.
We had record amounts of rain earlier in August. It rained every day for two weeks, or at least it felt that way. If we got any sun, it was always late afternoon and all my plants were in morning sun areas.
My flowers were getting seriously unhappy about their life situation. They were turning yellow from over-watering and bent over from the heaviness of the rain. I even had to pour standing water off of them a few times. My flowers were drowning, they were desperate for some sun. I ended up moving two of the planters to the middle of the driveway, where they could get some afternoon sun. My neighbors probably thought I was nuts, but I was just doing what my flowers needed.
A good gardener does what is needed to take care of her plants. I don't actually consider myself a gardener, but I do enjoy pretty flowers. They brighten my spirit on difficult days. So, I do what I can to keep them healthy and alive. Pick the dead ones off so they don't go to seed, water when they need it, fertilize ever other week...
I'm no expert, but I know what most plants need. The more sun they get, the more water they need; the more water they get the more sun they need. Some plants do great in full sun, others thrive in the shade. Why? Well, I guess because that's how God made them. Their chemistry, their insides, what they're made of, it's all unique. God knows exactly what they need, and when they need it.
People are similar to plants. Our chemistries, our insides, are all unique. Certain people are more sensitive, and others more resilient. Some take more time to process pain, while others seem to shrug it off like it's nothing. Some of us seem to thrive in the rain, while others desperately need the sun.
Luke 12:27b-28 Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don’t fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?
God says he's not just a gardener of the wildflowers; He is the gardener of our hearts and our souls. He knows what we need and when we need it. He attends to us. Takes pride in us. He does his best for us.
I'll be honest though, sometimes I feel desperate for water, and I beg him for it; but I get more sun. Other times, it feels like I'm drowning, and I'm begging for relief; and it just keeps raining.
At this moment, I am just like my flowers, aching for sun. I'm unhappy with my life situation. I'm drowning in my own tears. I am bent over with the heaviness of the heartache. I'm asking God, why doesn't he pick me up? Why doesn't he get me out of the rain and put me in the sun?
But God says he is doing his best for me. He says he's attending to me. It seems like his concept of my needs, seriously clashes with mine!
So now we're at a cross roads. I have poured my heart out to God, but he hasn't changed my circumstances. My heart is still broken over one situation, and I continue to be discouraged about the other.
I have to ask myself, "Am I going to be stubborn and assume I know what's best for me? Am I going to harden my heart and demand my way? Or am I going to bow my head, submit to my Father who loves me, and trust that he knows what he's doing?"
For a while there, I wasn't sure. But, I'm grabbing back on to Jesus. He is with me while the waters are rising up around my neck. He is with me when I'm gasping for breath. He breathes life into me when I feel like my heart is dying.
Jesus is my whole life; I can't give up on him now. He never gives up on me. He's so faithful, especially when I am faithless. I've tried clinging to other things and I always end up sinking. But he is my life preserver in the middle of the storm, he will keep me afloat.
I'm still soggy from the tears. I'm still a mess. My heart is still broken over shattered dreams. I feel cast aside, not good enough, and defeated.
But Jesus whispers to me in the middle of it all, "You're not alone. You're feelings are hurt, we'll work through that. But only I get to say who you are. You are my dear daughter. I will never drop you. I am attending to you. I take pride in you. I am doing my best for you. I will be enough for you in the middle of the your shattered dreams, hurt feelings, and discouragement. When you're ready, we'll dream a new dream together."
Do you hear Jesus whispering? What is he saying to you? How is he encouraging you? I would love to hear about it in the comments!
Do you hear Jesus whispering? What is he saying to you? How is he encouraging you? I would love to hear about it in the comments!
No comments:
Post a Comment