Do you associate suicide and depression with words like selfish or cowardly?
Or do you personally struggle with thoughts of suicide? What about depression?
Suicide and depression are personal to me. Let's not give the stigma power to shame us into silence. Connection dispels shame, so let's talk about it.
But then there's another photo, one that's been there for over 4 years. It's my program from my nephew, Jon's memorial service. I keep it there as a reminder that although my kids continue to grow and change, my sister's son does not. When I look at it, my heart softens, and I pray for my sister and her dear family, who all continue to ache in his absence.
This is the last picture I'll ever have of him. He died by suicide, February 15, 2012. Our family has never been, and will never be the same without him. He was loved. He mattered to us. Human words fall short when attempting to describe the anguish that surrounds his family.
Two years ago in August, the world found out that Robin Williams also died by suicide. Social media went berserk! On one hand, it was healthy that people were openly talking about suicide and depression. But on the other hand, people said a lot of hurtful things. The judgment was palpable, and shame was dealt out like a deck of playing cards!
If you've read my blog before, you probably already know that I have suffered with depression for most of my life. What you may not know is postpartum depression, after my second child was born, nearly broke me.
I know what that pain feels like from the inside. I lived that one. I know the dark thoughts that rush into a brain and tell it things like "the world would be better off without you," or "no one would even notice if you were gone."
I know what it feels like to fantasize about taking your own life, and having that fantasy bring relief, the only relief you have felt in months.
While we're talking about this, can I clear a few things up? Admitting that I have depression and have had thoughts of suicide, should not automatically imply that I'm not close to God, or that I am not a strong believer. It also doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for my life, or that I'm selfish, or cowardly.
In fact, I believe my depression keeps me close to God. It keeps me desperate for him. I sit at his feet and soak up his love, because I know I can't live without it!
The stigma claims that there are easy answers; we're all just too stupid, lazy or selfish to figure it out.
The research says otherwise. Depression is complicated and we can experience it for various reasons. It may be situational and temporary, or it could last a lifetime with no real answers. It could be a spiritual battle, a physical battle, a chemical battle, or it could be a mixture of any of those factors.
The only one that truly knows what's in the heart, body, brain and soul of a man is God. People can make assumptions, but only God knows for certain.
Let's be honest here. I mean, it's the name of the blog, for crying out loud! We don't even know what's going on in our own hearts half the time! Making judgments about someone else's struggle is a waste of time.
I have battled depression with medication, with God's word, with physical exercise, with nutrition, with counseling and in community. Although I no longer struggle with thoughts of suicide, I have never been completely free of the depression. The monster no longer swallows me, but it still circles around and threatens to pounce.
Depression used to define me. It was just another way I wasn't good enough. Because I couldn't overcome it, I felt worthless and defeated; but that only gave Satan more fuel to pour on the fire. It was a vicious cycle of self hatred.
But now, I am learning to be okay with my weaknesses. I am human. I fail, I get discouraged, and I make mistakes. Oh well. God doesn't expect perfection from me, he only expects a repentant and willing heart.
I continue to make peace with the fact that I struggle with depression. I accept it. I am sensitive, that's how God made me. I feel things deeply. I take time to process. It's me, and I'm learning to be okay with me. After all, I am just a pot; who am I to question the potter? Isaiah 45:9
Jesus was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. He can relate to me, and I can relate to him.
If joy is, as my pastor says, "knowing that God is at work, in full control, and is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening and will happen," then I have joy and depression at the same time. Who knew that was possible?!
Do you feel shame because you struggle, because you're human? Whatever it is you struggle with, Jesus is calling to you. He wants to be close to you. You may feel alone, and those feelings are valid.
But you are never truly alone. Jesus is there, just waiting for you to cry out to him. He loves us so much! We're even easier to love in our weakness, because then we're humble enough to admit how desperately we need him!
Let's stop the stigma together! Let's love each other well, and treat each other with grace and kindness, because it's true that everybody is fighting a great battle.
If you know a family that lost a loved one to suicide, please don't say things like, "He was a coward," or "He took the easy way out," or "He did it to himself." Those kinds of phrases are so hurtful to the family left behind that dearly loved him. Tread carefully on their aching, grief stricken hearts.
And if you are struggling with depression and thought you were all alone, you are not. I am a woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends and I struggle with depression - an on going, heart wrenching, hard fought battle. I will not give up. Jesus is enough for me in the struggle and in the ache.
Don't you give up either, do you hear me? Your life matters! We will not be better off without you! We will notice that you're gone and we will ache for you! You are needed in your community!
If you're lonely, and struggling please reach out! You were not meant to be alone.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
2 comments:
Thank you....
So helpful! Thank you.
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