Hi friends!
Due to a surge in popularity of the Real Honest Life, and continual problems with people being able to post comments on blogger, I am in the process of moving over to wordpress. I have moved one post and written a new one. I will continue to move old posts over, possibly editing and revamping as we go. But, I will continue to write new ones as well. As always, thanks for following and reading my words.
https://realhonestlife.wordpress.com/
Thanks,
Kathryn
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Thursday, September 8, 2016
DISPELLING THE STIGMA OF SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION
What's your first thought when I say the word suicide? How about the word depression? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you buy into the stigma?
Do you associate suicide and depression with words like selfish or cowardly?
Or do you personally struggle with thoughts of suicide? What about depression?
Suicide and depression are personal to me. Let's not give the stigma power to shame us into silence. Connection dispels shame, so let's talk about it.
The side of my fridge is covered with photos, my favorite Christmas one from when my kids were little, and the dentist photos that get updated every six months from the "cavity free" album.
But then there's another photo, one that's been there for over 4 years. It's my program from my nephew, Jon's memorial service. I keep it there as a reminder that although my kids continue to grow and change, my sister's son does not. When I look at it, my heart softens, and I pray for my sister and her dear family, who all continue to ache in his absence.
This is the last picture I'll ever have of him. He died by suicide, February 15, 2012. Our family has never been, and will never be the same without him. He was loved. He mattered to us. Human words fall short when attempting to describe the anguish that surrounds his family.
Two years ago in August, the world found out that Robin Williams also died by suicide. Social media went berserk! On one hand, it was healthy that people were openly talking about suicide and depression. But on the other hand, people said a lot of hurtful things. The judgment was palpable, and shame was dealt out like a deck of playing cards!
If you've read my blog before, you probably already know that I have suffered with depression for most of my life. What you may not know is postpartum depression, after my second child was born, nearly broke me.
I know what that pain feels like from the inside. I lived that one. I know the dark thoughts that rush into a brain and tell it things like "the world would be better off without you," or "no one would even notice if you were gone."
I know what it feels like to fantasize about taking your own life, and having that fantasy bring relief, the only relief you have felt in months.
While we're talking about this, can I clear a few things up? Admitting that I have depression and have had thoughts of suicide, should not automatically imply that I'm not close to God, or that I am not a strong believer. It also doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for my life, or that I'm selfish, or cowardly.
In fact, I believe my depression keeps me close to God. It keeps me desperate for him. I sit at his feet and soak up his love, because I know I can't live without it!
The stigma claims that there are easy answers; we're all just too stupid, lazy or selfish to figure it out.
The research says otherwise. Depression is complicated and we can experience it for various reasons. It may be situational and temporary, or it could last a lifetime with no real answers. It could be a spiritual battle, a physical battle, a chemical battle, or it could be a mixture of any of those factors.
The only one that truly knows what's in the heart, body, brain and soul of a man is God. People can make assumptions, but only God knows for certain.
Let's be honest here. I mean, it's the name of the blog, for crying out loud! We don't even know what's going on in our own hearts half the time! Making judgments about someone else's struggle is a waste of time.
I have battled depression with medication, with God's word, with physical exercise, with nutrition, with counseling and in community. Although I no longer struggle with thoughts of suicide, I have never been completely free of the depression. The monster no longer swallows me, but it still circles around and threatens to pounce.
Depression used to define me. It was just another way I wasn't good enough. Because I couldn't overcome it, I felt worthless and defeated; but that only gave Satan more fuel to pour on the fire. It was a vicious cycle of self hatred.
But now, I am learning to be okay with my weaknesses. I am human. I fail, I get discouraged, and I make mistakes. Oh well. God doesn't expect perfection from me, he only expects a repentant and willing heart.
I continue to make peace with the fact that I struggle with depression. I accept it. I am sensitive, that's how God made me. I feel things deeply. I take time to process. It's me, and I'm learning to be okay with me. After all, I am just a pot; who am I to question the potter? Isaiah 45:9
Jesus was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. He can relate to me, and I can relate to him.
If joy is, as my pastor says, "knowing that God is at work, in full control, and is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening and will happen," then I have joy and depression at the same time. Who knew that was possible?!
Do you feel shame because you struggle, because you're human? Whatever it is you struggle with, Jesus is calling to you. He wants to be close to you. You may feel alone, and those feelings are valid.
But you are never truly alone. Jesus is there, just waiting for you to cry out to him. He loves us so much! We're even easier to love in our weakness, because then we're humble enough to admit how desperately we need him!
Let's stop the stigma together! Let's love each other well, and treat each other with grace and kindness, because it's true that everybody is fighting a great battle.
If you know a family that lost a loved one to suicide, please don't say things like, "He was a coward," or "He took the easy way out," or "He did it to himself." Those kinds of phrases are so hurtful to the family left behind that dearly loved him. Tread carefully on their aching, grief stricken hearts.
And if you are struggling with depression and thought you were all alone, you are not. I am a woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends and I struggle with depression - an on going, heart wrenching, hard fought battle. I will not give up. Jesus is enough for me in the struggle and in the ache.
Don't you give up either, do you hear me? Your life matters! We will not be better off without you! We will notice that you're gone and we will ache for you! You are needed in your community!
If you're lonely, and struggling please reach out! You were not meant to be alone.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Do you associate suicide and depression with words like selfish or cowardly?
Or do you personally struggle with thoughts of suicide? What about depression?
Suicide and depression are personal to me. Let's not give the stigma power to shame us into silence. Connection dispels shame, so let's talk about it.
But then there's another photo, one that's been there for over 4 years. It's my program from my nephew, Jon's memorial service. I keep it there as a reminder that although my kids continue to grow and change, my sister's son does not. When I look at it, my heart softens, and I pray for my sister and her dear family, who all continue to ache in his absence.
This is the last picture I'll ever have of him. He died by suicide, February 15, 2012. Our family has never been, and will never be the same without him. He was loved. He mattered to us. Human words fall short when attempting to describe the anguish that surrounds his family.
Two years ago in August, the world found out that Robin Williams also died by suicide. Social media went berserk! On one hand, it was healthy that people were openly talking about suicide and depression. But on the other hand, people said a lot of hurtful things. The judgment was palpable, and shame was dealt out like a deck of playing cards!
If you've read my blog before, you probably already know that I have suffered with depression for most of my life. What you may not know is postpartum depression, after my second child was born, nearly broke me.
I know what that pain feels like from the inside. I lived that one. I know the dark thoughts that rush into a brain and tell it things like "the world would be better off without you," or "no one would even notice if you were gone."
I know what it feels like to fantasize about taking your own life, and having that fantasy bring relief, the only relief you have felt in months.
While we're talking about this, can I clear a few things up? Admitting that I have depression and have had thoughts of suicide, should not automatically imply that I'm not close to God, or that I am not a strong believer. It also doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for my life, or that I'm selfish, or cowardly.
In fact, I believe my depression keeps me close to God. It keeps me desperate for him. I sit at his feet and soak up his love, because I know I can't live without it!
The stigma claims that there are easy answers; we're all just too stupid, lazy or selfish to figure it out.
The research says otherwise. Depression is complicated and we can experience it for various reasons. It may be situational and temporary, or it could last a lifetime with no real answers. It could be a spiritual battle, a physical battle, a chemical battle, or it could be a mixture of any of those factors.
The only one that truly knows what's in the heart, body, brain and soul of a man is God. People can make assumptions, but only God knows for certain.
Let's be honest here. I mean, it's the name of the blog, for crying out loud! We don't even know what's going on in our own hearts half the time! Making judgments about someone else's struggle is a waste of time.
I have battled depression with medication, with God's word, with physical exercise, with nutrition, with counseling and in community. Although I no longer struggle with thoughts of suicide, I have never been completely free of the depression. The monster no longer swallows me, but it still circles around and threatens to pounce.
Depression used to define me. It was just another way I wasn't good enough. Because I couldn't overcome it, I felt worthless and defeated; but that only gave Satan more fuel to pour on the fire. It was a vicious cycle of self hatred.
But now, I am learning to be okay with my weaknesses. I am human. I fail, I get discouraged, and I make mistakes. Oh well. God doesn't expect perfection from me, he only expects a repentant and willing heart.
I continue to make peace with the fact that I struggle with depression. I accept it. I am sensitive, that's how God made me. I feel things deeply. I take time to process. It's me, and I'm learning to be okay with me. After all, I am just a pot; who am I to question the potter? Isaiah 45:9
Jesus was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. He can relate to me, and I can relate to him.
If joy is, as my pastor says, "knowing that God is at work, in full control, and is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening and will happen," then I have joy and depression at the same time. Who knew that was possible?!
Do you feel shame because you struggle, because you're human? Whatever it is you struggle with, Jesus is calling to you. He wants to be close to you. You may feel alone, and those feelings are valid.
But you are never truly alone. Jesus is there, just waiting for you to cry out to him. He loves us so much! We're even easier to love in our weakness, because then we're humble enough to admit how desperately we need him!
Let's stop the stigma together! Let's love each other well, and treat each other with grace and kindness, because it's true that everybody is fighting a great battle.
If you know a family that lost a loved one to suicide, please don't say things like, "He was a coward," or "He took the easy way out," or "He did it to himself." Those kinds of phrases are so hurtful to the family left behind that dearly loved him. Tread carefully on their aching, grief stricken hearts.
And if you are struggling with depression and thought you were all alone, you are not. I am a woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends and I struggle with depression - an on going, heart wrenching, hard fought battle. I will not give up. Jesus is enough for me in the struggle and in the ache.
Don't you give up either, do you hear me? Your life matters! We will not be better off without you! We will notice that you're gone and we will ache for you! You are needed in your community!
If you're lonely, and struggling please reach out! You were not meant to be alone.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Saturday, September 3, 2016
DROWNING DREAMS - Trusting God When Dreams Die
If I have ever pretended like I've got my life under control, please forgive me. If I've ever given you the impression from this blog that I know all the answers, please, again, forgive me. Because, I am. actually. a. mess. A complete mess. Especially, right this minute. I have no answers, and I don't have a clue what I am doing.
I have wasted my entire summer. Flushed the whole thing down the toilet.
I was deeply invested in two projects that both ended up a complete bust. I'm heartbroken about one of them. The other? I feel defeated. One, I can talk about. The other, I can't.
I had such high hopes that our lives were going to change for the better this summer. We were going to get our house in order, sell it, and move closer to church. We have been dreaming of this for so long. We've wanted to be closer to our friends, closer to the kid's school, closer to community.
Big dreams. Big bust.
I have worked so hard: de-cluttering, selling and cleaning. Now, I have pretty much given up. After all the work I've done, there's still twice as much left to do. I've hit a wall. A big, fat, depressing, iron wall. I give up on all of it: dreams, desires, everything. Just flush them all, I don't even care.
I can relate to Solomon in Ecclesiastes, where he says, "Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless." Amen, brother Solomon. I feel you, man.
We had record amounts of rain earlier in August. It rained every day for two weeks, or at least it felt that way. If we got any sun, it was always late afternoon and all my plants were in morning sun areas.
My flowers were getting seriously unhappy about their life situation. They were turning yellow from over-watering and bent over from the heaviness of the rain. I even had to pour standing water off of them a few times. My flowers were drowning, they were desperate for some sun. I ended up moving two of the planters to the middle of the driveway, where they could get some afternoon sun. My neighbors probably thought I was nuts, but I was just doing what my flowers needed.
A good gardener does what is needed to take care of her plants. I don't actually consider myself a gardener, but I do enjoy pretty flowers. They brighten my spirit on difficult days. So, I do what I can to keep them healthy and alive. Pick the dead ones off so they don't go to seed, water when they need it, fertilize ever other week...
I'm no expert, but I know what most plants need. The more sun they get, the more water they need; the more water they get the more sun they need. Some plants do great in full sun, others thrive in the shade. Why? Well, I guess because that's how God made them. Their chemistry, their insides, what they're made of, it's all unique. God knows exactly what they need, and when they need it.
People are similar to plants. Our chemistries, our insides, are all unique. Certain people are more sensitive, and others more resilient. Some take more time to process pain, while others seem to shrug it off like it's nothing. Some of us seem to thrive in the rain, while others desperately need the sun.
Luke 12:27b-28 Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don’t fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?
God says he's not just a gardener of the wildflowers; He is the gardener of our hearts and our souls. He knows what we need and when we need it. He attends to us. Takes pride in us. He does his best for us.
I'll be honest though, sometimes I feel desperate for water, and I beg him for it; but I get more sun. Other times, it feels like I'm drowning, and I'm begging for relief; and it just keeps raining.
At this moment, I am just like my flowers, aching for sun. I'm unhappy with my life situation. I'm drowning in my own tears. I am bent over with the heaviness of the heartache. I'm asking God, why doesn't he pick me up? Why doesn't he get me out of the rain and put me in the sun?
But God says he is doing his best for me. He says he's attending to me. It seems like his concept of my needs, seriously clashes with mine!
So now we're at a cross roads. I have poured my heart out to God, but he hasn't changed my circumstances. My heart is still broken over one situation, and I continue to be discouraged about the other.
I have to ask myself, "Am I going to be stubborn and assume I know what's best for me? Am I going to harden my heart and demand my way? Or am I going to bow my head, submit to my Father who loves me, and trust that he knows what he's doing?"
For a while there, I wasn't sure. But, I'm grabbing back on to Jesus. He is with me while the waters are rising up around my neck. He is with me when I'm gasping for breath. He breathes life into me when I feel like my heart is dying.
Jesus is my whole life; I can't give up on him now. He never gives up on me. He's so faithful, especially when I am faithless. I've tried clinging to other things and I always end up sinking. But he is my life preserver in the middle of the storm, he will keep me afloat.
I'm still soggy from the tears. I'm still a mess. My heart is still broken over shattered dreams. I feel cast aside, not good enough, and defeated.
But Jesus whispers to me in the middle of it all, "You're not alone. You're feelings are hurt, we'll work through that. But only I get to say who you are. You are my dear daughter. I will never drop you. I am attending to you. I take pride in you. I am doing my best for you. I will be enough for you in the middle of the your shattered dreams, hurt feelings, and discouragement. When you're ready, we'll dream a new dream together."
Do you hear Jesus whispering? What is he saying to you? How is he encouraging you? I would love to hear about it in the comments!
Do you hear Jesus whispering? What is he saying to you? How is he encouraging you? I would love to hear about it in the comments!
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