TOO MUCH TO LOSE - Why Relationships Are Worth The Effort

He loves sci-fi.  I despise it.  I love documentaries. They make him fall asleep. He loves to watch action movies.  I prefer British period pieces.  He hates the beach due to one too many sunburns.  I grew up on the shores of Lake Michigan.  It's not just a body of water to me, it quenches an ache deep in my soul.  I like to stay in my pajamas all day, he always gets dressed. He likes King Kong, Godzilla, comic books, and Kung Fu.  I like to think deeply about the meaning of life.

Needless to say, we're opposites.  Despite all those differences, Matt and I have been married 21 years and have 3 children.  The other day while he was complaining, I mean "reminding" me about how much he hated the beach, and how he never wants a pool, and come to think of it, he really hates mowing the lawn, I looked at him and asked, "Why did we get married?"  He answered without missing a beat, "Because I make you laugh."  He's right.  We laugh a lot.  

The truth is, even though we're very different, I adore him. He's my best friend.  I can tell him anything, and he has nothing hidden from me.  It wasn't always that way.  But about 10 years in, we either had to get real and honest, or we weren't going to survive this thing called marriage.  God stepped in, rescued us, and put us on a new path.  I'll save the details of that rescue for another day.

It may sound a little like a fairy tale romance.  Complete opposites, but completely in love.  Let me tell you, our love is deep, but it ain't no fairy tale.  We still fight and get angry with each other. Sometimes, I think he is a complete jerk.  And other times, I act like a spoiled brat.  We're very human people, we're just humans who have made a commitment to love each other even when loving is hard.  

Now we're so deep in this thing, there's no getting out.  We're invested in each other, invested in our children, invested in each other's hearts, invested in each other's bodies, invested in each other's relationship with God.  Even when things are difficult, we're determined to draw closer to one another, instead of pulling away.  There is too much to lose.

Have you ever tasted the sweetness of community like that? Where someone loves you enough not to give up on you? Do you have people in your life that you love enough to work through conflict?   I've not only experienced this in my marriage, but also in friendships and small groups.  Of course, marriage is in a whole different category, a covenant before God, involving body, soul and spirit.  

But as Christians, we are called to a pretty high standard where love is concerned,  We're not only called to love our brothers and sisters in Christ, we're even called to love our enemies.

If you've been hurt in community, if you've been brokenhearted by a friend, if you've been betrayed by a loved one, if you've always wanted a best friend but never really had one; let me start by saying...I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry for the rejection. I'm sorry for the heartache.  I'm sorry for the loneliness.  I have felt those things too and it hurts.  Jesus understands too, he was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief.  He weeps with you.  Your heart matters to Him.  Mourn that loss.  Poor your heart out to Jesus.  He wants to help you process through that heartache.

Can we have a little heart to heart though?

Will you allow me to ask you some difficult questions?

Have you ever been hard to love?  Have you hurt someone you cared about?  Are you ever selfishly motivated?  Have you pulled away when someone tried to open up to you?  I know I sure have.  We all long to be fought for, but have you fought to love someone?  I mean, really love them? 

It's so easy to fall into bitterness.  I have often used bitterness as self protection.  If I'm already expecting betrayal, maybe it won't hurt quite so bad when it comes? The only problem with that is my heart starts to die.  Little by little it turns from pink to black.  And before I know it, I'm treating everyone with disdain.  But if I can remember instead that I have hurt people too...that I am not always easy to love; I can resist bitterness and Jesus helps me to keep my heart open and willing to love.

The bottom line is different people see things from different perspectives. Everybody has their own set of lies they believe, everyone's been hurt, we all have a story that taints the way we see things.  Can you lay aside your desire to be right and try looking at things from a different perspective? 

Every time you let Jesus soften your heart and work through conflict in a loving way, you are growing in holiness.  You are growing more like Jesus.

Philippians 2:5-8

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.   

Please friend, don't give up on community.  I will beg you if I have to.  It's so important!  You will most likely never change because you heard a really great sermon. 

For hard hearts to actually change form, we have to bump up against other people.  We have to experience differing opinions and challenging personalities.  Most of us are more like rock than play-doh.  We don't change shape easily; we practically have to be pounded by hammers, like iron sharpens iron.  But every time we humble ourselves and let go of our own agendas and choose to love our fellow man, our hearts will change. 

Eventually, the jagged edges will be rubbed off, and our hearts will get smoother and smoother, until they start to get soft and pliable...like play-doh.  And then, we'll more willing to love people the way they are instead of waiting for them to change.  We'll be more willing to extend grace, instead of getting offended or defensive.  It's a beautiful thing, God's design for community.

So I'm asking you, will you give community another try?  Will you ask God to soften your heart? Will you be the one to extend the olive branch?  Will you allow your heart to be soft toward that spouse that seems so far away?  Will you join another small group, even though the last one didn't work out?  Will you ask that friend for forgiveness, or ask that loved one for a fresh start?  They may not accept the grace you offer, but Jesus will change you through it.  He will teach you things in that darkness that can't be learned any other way.  The bible makes it clear, Jesus wants you in community.  

Join me, will you?  Let's not give up on each other.  Let's be committed to seeing this through because we have too much to lose to give up now.

* I want to add something just to be clear, there are boundaries that should not be crossed.  There are times that we need distance from each other.  Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing.  We are commanded to forgive, but trust is earned.  I would never advocate abuse of any kind, whether it be physical, emotional, or verbal abuse!  If you are in an abusive situation, please reach out to someone you trust right now!  You are important, please get the help that you need.  If you are in a sticky situation and confused about boundary issues, please seek help from your pastor or counselor that can help you wade through those muddy waters.

IODINE - A CURE FOR SELF PITY?

This is my dog, Lady.  Lady is my buddy, she follows me everywhere.  I love her.  I tell her all the time that she's my best friend.  What she doesn't know is that I have a few best friends.  I don't think she cares though, she just wants to be with me.  Right now, she's laying at my feet.  If I were to get up and move to the living room, she would get up and come too.  Such a faithful friend.

Just like the rest of us, Lady has some issues.  We adopted her from a shelter about 3 years ago, so we don't know her background, we don't even really know how old she is.  Due to some of her behavior, we believe she was abused and neglected, and probably a stray at some point.  She's terrified of thunderstorms, fireworks, pots and pans, any and all raised voices, and every other dog in the universe.  She is mostly healthy, but we deal with some tummy and skin issues from time to time.  Right now, she is one itchy girl.  I've been calling her Itchy McItcherson.  After a couple of baths with special shampoo and some iodine for the really bad spots, she's doing better.  She really hates the iodine.  I think it stings.  But I use it because it really works to kill the bacteria.

I know at this point you're wondering why I'm writing about my dog and her skin condition.  I do have a point, I promise.  I assure you, this is not a pet wellness page.  But, she's been licking her wounds a lot, sometimes for hours at a time.  If we tell her to stop, she just goes under the bed where we can't reach her and keeps licking.  She's trying to clean her wounds, it's instinct.  The problem is, she's only making herself worse.  She licks until it gets infected, and then eventually, she gets sick.  Then, I have to resort to the iodine.

Well, here's the problem.  Every time I hear her licking, I'm reminded of myself.  I have been licking my wounds too.  Some difficult life situations have come up.  Nothing really serious, just the regular heart aches that come with living and trying to follow God.  But, I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself.  

I have been thinking a lot about the book The Horse and His Boy by CS Lewis.  It's my favorite one of the Narnia series, mostly because of this one scene.  The main character, Shasta, has not had an easy life and had been through many recent trials.  He was lost, all alone, vulnerable and in a fog where he couldn't see a thing.  Then he says out loud to no one in particular, "I do think that I must be the most unfortunate boy that ever lived in the whole world.  Everything goes right for everyone except me."

Oh friends, if you only knew how many times I've said those same things.  Self pity is a well worn sweatshirt for me.  A sweatshirt with a big old hood, pulled up around my face.  So comfy and cozy, but oh so isolating.  Self pity is an ugly thing, it festers and spreads.  It's repulsive to everyone around us, and it only makes things worse.  Don't get me wrong, I am 100% for feeling your feelings!  I believe in mourning a loss.  It's good and healthy to do these things.  But there comes a point where self care and self compassion can turn to self pity and then we're in dangerous territory.

Once Shasta starts to shed tears, Aslan, the Great Lion shows up.  He says the most loving thing I have ever heard, "Tell me your sorrows."  He doesn't say, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, boy!"  He doesn't say, "Everything happens for a reason."  He uses none of our usual nonsensical responses to someone in pain.  Instead he communicates, "Share your heart with me.  I want to hear it.  I want to know your feelings.  I want to hear what you've been through." He listens patiently, and then this happens:

"I do not call you unfortunate," said the Large Voice.
"Don't you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" said Shasta
"There was only one lion," said the Voice.
"What on earth do you mean?  I've just told you there were at least two the first night, and -"
"There was only one: but he was swift of foot."
"How do you know?"
"I was the lion."  And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued.  "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis.  I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead.  I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept.  I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time.  And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

Aslan let Shasta in on the rest of the story, the big picture.  He gave him a different perspective, a new way to look at his situation.  I recently had a friend do something similar.  She reminded me that God wasn't out to hurt me, Satan was trying to make me believe something about God that wasn't true.  She did this in a very kind and gentle way, but it really was iodine for my heart.  I needed someone to help me get rid of the infection so I could see things more clearly.  It might sting a little sometimes, but oh how we need it!

Dear friends, if you are struggling and feeling self pity.  Don't tell yourself to suck it up.  Don't listen to the people who hard-heartedly tell you to move on.  Pour your heart out to God, He wants to hear your sorrows.  He wants to hear your struggles and your longings.  He cares so much about our hearts.  God will give you the change of perspective you need if you're willing to see it.  God is up to something bigger than what we can see.  We might not get the actual explanation like Shasta did, but he will help us to trust him.  And, please share your pain with a trusted friend who can help you see the truth, and let them gently rub some iodine on your heart.  It might sting a little, but it will be worth it.  God doesn't want you to be alone.