HAVE YOU LOST YOUR TEETH?

My youngest daughter, Lacey, is 8 years old.  She is equal parts enchantment and spunk.  Just an absolute delight.  Lacey is late losing her baby teeth, and I have been so anxious to see them go.  Not because I want her to grow up, but I was afraid that she was going to get her adult teeth before her baby teeth fell out and I would miss all that toothless adorableness.  The smile, the lisp, I didn't want to miss any part of it!  She lost both of them in the last two weeks and her cuteness has skyrocketed. My heart leaps at the sight of her, and I cannot contain the giggles that bubble up.  Motherhood has been, by far, the most challenging endeavor I have ever faced.  But the joys, oh the joys.  I am smitten by these children of mine.  God is writing genuine entertaining characters!

If you know me at all, you know that I'm also in love with my church.  Every week, I can hardly wait until Sunday.  I love the music and the sermons, but most of all, I love the people.  That is what the church is after all.  It's not a building, or a place we go, it's a body of believers.  It's far from perfect, but I'm good with that.  I no longer expect perfection from myself and don't expect it from my church.  Churches are made up of people, and people need grace.  Just like me.  I am in desperate need of grace daily.

You guys, the sooner we learn that we are ALL in need of grace, the happier we will be.  The way my pastor says it is, "The greatest day of your life is the day you face yourself."  Unfortunately, like my friend Katrina says, it's never just one day.  It's not like you face yourself once and you're happy forever.  It's a process that happens continually.

If you're not tracking with me, I'll give you an example.  It starts out like this, I'm angry with someone.  I feel betrayed, or attacked, or overlooked and I think, "Can you believe that person?!  What a jerk!  I can't believe they would do that to me!  I would never do that thing!"  And God let's me be angry for a while and then He says, "Um...Kathryn.  How many times have you betrayed me, attacked me, overlooked me?  Yes, you may be different now, but that's only because I've changed you.  Without me, you would do the same exact thing."  And I close my eyes, and I take a deep breath, and I say, "You're right, Lord.  Thank you for your grace, now I can extend it to others."

So many people tell me that they are unhappy with their church, and I get it.  I hear the stories, and my heart aches.  People are missed, and hurt, and betrayed.  I'm not trying to minimize the pain, at all. But you guys, if we can't love each other, there is absolutely no hope that we will ever learn to love our enemies!  And this is what we're called to do!  We are the church, and we're called to love.

One of my favorite books of all times is 66 Love Letters by Larry Crabb.  Some will have a problem with this book simply because of the way it's written, as if God himself is speaking directly to the reader.  I understand that criticism, but I love the book just the same.  It is often the smack between the eyes that I need.  When I'm struggling, it's the first place I go.  The other day, I read this, "You are right to be discouraged with what your culture so often calls Christianity.  You are wrong to give in to futility.  My Son's work has only begun.  My plan is on track.  My Spirit is working.  Never give up on the church!"

Heart change is a process.  It takes time.  Just like you need time to change, other believers need time to change.  And God does the changing, we don't.  So often when God is pulling things up in our heart, things get worse before they get better.  Think about Lacey's teeth.  She has to lose all of her teeth before she gets her adult teeth.  Her teeth literally fall out of her head and she goes around talking with a lisp because she has no front teeth.  What if we started to get angry with Lacey because she talked with a lisp?  What if we didn't know that new teeth were coming?  What if we were saying, "Can you believe Lacey?  Talking with a lisp, and no front teeth at all!  That's disgusting.  The least she could do is keep her mouth closed!"  The only reason it's cute that Lacey is missing her teeth is because she'll get new ones.  If she were 18 and missing her 2 front teeth, we would think very differently about it, wouldn't we?

Next time you are offended, maybe try thinking about it in those terms?  Maybe that person has just lost their teeth and is doing the best they know how with what they have at the time.  Maybe they are in process and they're about to get their new, adult teeth.  You need grace, and I need grace.  Let's extend it to each other.

FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A CHRONIC ILLNESS

Living a life with chronic illness is no picnic.  In fact, the reason I haven't written on this blog since October of last year is because my Rheumatoid Arthritis took me out.  I was sick for three months.  I missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.  My disease affects me in ways most people could not imagine.  

I feel like this post of what not to do has been written millions of times.  Everybody has a list of things not to say, things not to do, for the chronically ill, for the grieving, for the special needs mom and on and on.  What not to eat, what not to wear.  The whole world is bossing us around.  Frankly, it seems old and overdone.  But the truth is, people still say things to me all the time about my illness that I wish they wouldn't.  I don't mean to be offensive, but there are some things that I would love for people to know.

1.  Don't suggest cures... 

Have you tried...  A gluten free diet, whole 30, the autoimmune protocol, giving up sugar, Zija, Shakeology, apple cider vinegar, clean eating, exercise, supplements, a naturopath, seeing a chiropractor, juicing, probiotics, and the list goes on.  It's a never ending list, actually.  As soon as we get to the end, something new will appear.

The answer for most of these is YES, YES, a thousand times, YES!!  I have tried many, many things.  I have found some of these things to be helpful.  But let me tell you what drives me insane about this question.  It misses me.  It passes right over my heart and my suffering and offers me a solution.  It says to me, "I don't want to listen to you.  I don't care about your heart.  Stop complaining.  It is your own fault you are sick, if you would just live a healthy lifestyle, you wouldn't suffer."  I get so tired of explaining how many things I have tried, and how things work for a while, and then my disease adjusts and it doesn't help anymore.

There are some exceptions to this rule, but they are few and far between. If you know me well, if you've loved me well, if you've cried with me, prayed for me, listened to me, hurt with me, then you have earned the right to suggest something.  After all, it could help me.  But, when you jump to this first thing, it is incredibly hurtful.

2.  Don't assume you know about my disease...

Autoimmune diseases are complicated.  Even my Rheumatologist doesn't know everything there is to know about RA, and that guy's a genius!  RA does not just give you achy joints.  It destroys your joints.  It deforms them.  If you're really wondering if that's true, I can show you a toe that points in the completely wrong direction, or I could let you listen to the lovely grinding noise my knees make. RA also can affect your heart, lungs, eyes, skin, and even your voice.  One day I was completely bedridden because every time I took a breath, I was nearly knocked over with searing pain in my lungs.  The lining of my lungs was inflamed, for one day.  The next day, I woke up fine.  You just never know where it's going to hit and how long it's going to stay.  

3.  Don't tell me to lose weight...

"If you could just lose 20 pounds, you would feel so much better."  When mentioning how much my knees hurt, "You know, honey, you are overweight."  NOT HELPFUL!  This really is the worst, because if I knew how to do that, I would have done it 20 years ago!!  I have struggled with my weight since I can remember.  I have tried every diet known to man.  I even juice fasted for 7 days.  I gained 5 pounds.  The only thing I lost was my will to live.  I am just done with all of that.  One of the symptoms of an autoimmune disease is unexplained weight gain.  Unexplained.  If all of the science community cannot explain it, you probably can't either.  I am doing the best I can over here.  

4.  Don't assume because I look good, I feel good...  

I know how to hide my pain.  I've done it my whole life.  I can sit through a church service at a 7 on the pain scale and you wouldn't know anything was wrong with me.  My husband can tell, but only because he knows me so well.  People who struggle with chronic pain know more about pushing through physically than someone who's never had pain ever will.  We will collapse when we know it's safe to collapse.  Until then, we'll muscle through until we can't take it anymore, and you probably won't have a clue.       

5.  Don't tell me to stop taking my medication...

I take some pretty powerful medications.  They can be scary to people.  I get this.  Do you know why?  Because they scare me!  Anybody who takes these medications knows the risks.  I have done more research than you can imagine.  My husband and I have prayed and agonized over this decision, and we have chosen to take the meds.  If you didn't choose to take the meds, I understand, and I don't judge it.  It's a personal decision and I respect it.  Please, do the same for me.  I want to do everything I can to live as full of a life as I can for my husband and my children.  They are my world.  If I can help it, I don't want their memory of me to be that I was always in bed, always in pain, never engaged in life.  For now, the meds are helping me do that.  I don't know what the future holds, this is the way I'm choosing life today.  

What should I do?

So now you may be asking, well what should I do?  My answer is, the same things you would do for anyone else.  Show compassion. Listen.  Ask me questions because you really want to understand, not because you want to tell me what I'm doing wrong.  Try to see things from my perspective.  Ask me how I'm feeling and care about my answer.  Be my friend, tell me about your life, let me listen and show you compassion too.  I don't want one sided friendships, I want to give as much as I receive.  Because underneath it all, we're all the same.  We all struggle, we all have pain, maybe not physical pain, but pain none the less.  Be kind and loving to one another, that's really all any of us long for.