MOVING THE BLOG

Hi friends!  

Due to a surge in popularity of the Real Honest Life, and continual problems with people being able to post comments on blogger, I am in the process of moving over to wordpress.  I have moved one post and written a new one.  I will continue to move old posts over, possibly editing and revamping as we go.  But, I will continue to write new ones as well.  As always, thanks for following and reading my words.  

https://realhonestlife.wordpress.com/

Thanks, 
Kathryn

DISPELLING THE STIGMA OF SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION

What's your first thought when I say the word suicide?  How about the word depression?  Does it make you uncomfortable?  Do you buy into the stigma?  

Do you associate suicide and depression with words like selfish or cowardly?  

Or do you personally struggle with thoughts of suicide?  What about depression?  

Suicide and depression are personal to me.  Let's not give the stigma power to shame us into silence. Connection dispels shame, so let's talk about it.

The side of my fridge is covered with photos, my favorite Christmas one from when my kids were little, and the dentist photos that get updated every six months from the "cavity free" album. 

But then there's another photo, one that's been there for over 4 years.  It's my program from my nephew, Jon's memorial service.  I keep it there as a reminder that although my kids continue to grow and change, my sister's son does not.  When I look at it, my heart softens, and I pray for my sister and her dear family, who all continue to ache in his absence.  

This is the last picture I'll ever have of him.  He died by suicide, February 15, 2012.  Our family has never been, and will never be the same without him.  He was loved.  He mattered to us.  Human words fall short when attempting to describe the anguish that surrounds his family.

Two years ago in August, the world found out that Robin Williams also died by suicide.  Social media went berserk!  On one hand, it was healthy that people were openly talking about suicide and depression.  But on the other hand, people said a lot of hurtful things.  The judgment was palpable, and shame was dealt out like a deck of playing cards!

If you've read my blog before, you probably already know that I have suffered with depression for most of my life.  What you may not know is postpartum depression, after my second child was born, nearly broke me.  

I know what that pain feels like from the inside.  I lived that one.  I know the dark thoughts that rush into a brain and tell it things like "the world would be better off without you," or "no one would even notice if you were gone." 

I know what it feels like to fantasize about taking your own life, and having that fantasy bring relief, the only relief you have felt in months. 

While we're talking about this, can I clear a few things up?  Admitting that I have depression and have had thoughts of suicide, should not automatically imply that I'm not close to God, or that I am not a strong believer.  It also doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for my life, or that I'm selfish, or cowardly.

In fact, I believe my depression keeps me close to God.  It keeps me desperate for him.  I sit at his feet and soak up his love, because I know I can't live without it! 

The stigma claims that there are easy answers; we're all just too stupid, lazy or selfish to figure it out.  

The research says otherwise.  Depression is complicated and we can experience it for various reasons.  It may be situational and temporary, or it could last a lifetime with no real answers.  It could be a spiritual battle, a physical battle, a chemical battle, or it could be a mixture of any of those factors. 

The only one that truly knows what's in the heart, body, brain and soul of a man is God. People can make assumptions, but only God knows for certain.  

Let's be honest here.  I mean, it's the name of the blog, for crying out loud!  We don't even know what's going on in our own hearts half the time!  Making judgments about someone else's struggle is a waste of time.  

I have battled depression with medication, with God's word, with physical exercise, with nutrition, with counseling and in community.  Although I no longer struggle with thoughts of suicide, I have never been completely free of the depression. The monster no longer swallows me, but it still circles around and threatens to pounce.  

Depression used to define me.  It was just another way I wasn't good enough.  Because I couldn't overcome it, I felt worthless and defeated; but that only gave Satan more fuel to pour on the fire.  It was a vicious cycle of self hatred.  

But now, I am learning to be okay with my weaknesses.  I am human.  I fail, I get discouraged, and I make mistakes.  Oh well.  God doesn't expect perfection from me, he only expects a repentant and willing heart.  

I continue to make peace with the fact that I struggle with depression.  I accept it.  I am sensitive, that's how God made me.  I feel things deeply.  I take time to process.  It's me, and I'm learning to be okay with me.  After all, I am just a pot; who am I to question the potter?   Isaiah 45:9

Jesus was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. He can relate to me, and I can relate to him. 

If joy is, as my pastor says, "knowing that God is at work, in full control, and is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening and will happen," then I have joy and depression at the same time. Who knew that was possible?! 

Do you feel shame because you struggle, because you're human?  Whatever it is you struggle with, Jesus is calling to you.  He wants to be close to you.  You may feel alone, and those feelings are valid.  

But you are never truly alone. Jesus is there, just waiting for you to cry out to him.  He loves us so much!  We're even easier to love in our weakness, because then we're humble enough to admit how desperately we need him!

Let's stop the stigma together!  Let's love each other well, and treat each other with grace and kindness, because it's true that everybody is fighting a great battle.  

If you know a family that lost a loved one to suicide, please don't say things like, "He was a coward," or "He took the easy way out," or "He did it to himself."  Those kinds of phrases are so hurtful to the family left behind that dearly loved him.  Tread carefully on their aching, grief stricken hearts.  

And if you are struggling with depression and thought you were all alone, you are not. I am a woman who loves Jesus, her family, her friends and I struggle with depression - an on going, heart wrenching, hard fought battle. I will not give up. Jesus is enough for me in the struggle and in the ache. 

Don't you give up either, do you hear me?  Your life matters!  We will not be better off without you!  We will notice that you're gone and we will ache for you!  You are needed in your community!  

If you're lonely, and struggling please reach out!  You were not meant to be alone.  

  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

DROWNING DREAMS - Trusting God When Dreams Die

If I have ever pretended like I've got my life under control, please forgive me.  If I've ever given you the impression from this blog that I know all the answers, please, again, forgive me. Because, I am. actually. a. mess.  A complete mess. Especially, right this minute.  I have no answers, and I don't have a clue what I am doing.  

I have wasted my entire summer.  Flushed the whole thing down the toilet.  

I was deeply invested in two projects that both ended up a complete bust.  I'm heartbroken about one of them.  The other?  I feel defeated.  One, I can talk about.  The other, I can't.  

I had such high hopes that our lives were going to change for the better this summer.  We were going to get our house in order, sell it, and move closer to church.  We have been dreaming of this for so long.  We've wanted to be closer to our friends, closer to the kid's school, closer to community.  

Big dreams. Big bust. 

I have worked so hard: de-cluttering, selling and cleaning.  Now, I have pretty much given up.  After all the work I've done, there's still twice as much left to do.  I've hit a wall.  A big, fat, depressing, iron wall.  I give up on all of it: dreams, desires, everything.  Just flush them all, I don't even care. 

I can relate to Solomon in Ecclesiastes, where he says, "Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless."  Amen, brother Solomon.  I feel you, man.

We had record amounts of rain earlier in August.  It rained every day for two weeks, or at least it felt that way.  If we got any sun, it was always late afternoon and all my plants were in morning sun areas.  

My flowers were getting seriously unhappy about their life situation.  They were turning yellow from over-watering and bent over from the heaviness of the rain.  I even had to pour standing water off of them a few times.  My flowers were drowning, they were desperate for some sun.  I ended up moving two of the planters to the middle of the driveway, where they could get some afternoon sun.  My neighbors probably thought I was nuts, but I was just doing what my flowers needed.  

A good gardener does what is needed to take care of her plants. I don't actually consider myself a  gardener, but I do enjoy pretty flowers. They brighten my spirit on difficult days.  So, I do what I can to keep them healthy and alive.  Pick the dead ones off so they don't go to seed, water when they need it, fertilize ever other week...

I'm no expert, but I know what most plants need. The more sun they get, the more water they need; the more water they get the more sun they need.  Some plants do great in full sun, others thrive in the shade. Why?  Well, I guess because that's how God made them. Their chemistry, their insides, what they're made of, it's all unique. God knows exactly what they need, and when they need it. 

People are similar to plants. Our chemistries, our insides, are all unique. Certain people are more sensitive, and others more resilient. Some take more time to process pain, while others seem to shrug it off like it's nothing.  Some of us seem to thrive in the rain, while others desperately need the sun. 

Luke 12:27b-28  Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don’t fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

God says he's not just a gardener of the wildflowers; He is the gardener of our hearts and our souls.  He knows what we need and when we need it.  He attends to us.  Takes pride in us.  He does his best for us.

I'll be honest though, sometimes I feel desperate for water, and I beg him for it; but I get more sun.  Other times, it feels like I'm drowning, and I'm begging for relief; and it just keeps raining. 

At this moment, I am just like my flowers, aching for sun.  I'm unhappy with my life situation. I'm drowning in my own tears. I am bent over with the heaviness of the heartache. I'm asking God, why doesn't he pick me up?  Why doesn't he get me out of the rain and put me in the sun?  

But God says he is doing his best for me.  He says he's attending to me.  It seems like his concept of my needs, seriously clashes with mine!  

So now we're at a cross roads.  I have poured my heart out to God, but he hasn't changed my circumstances.  My heart is still broken over one situation, and I continue to be discouraged about the other.  

I have to ask myself, "Am I going to be stubborn and assume I know what's best for me?  Am I going to harden my heart and demand my way?  Or am I going to bow my head, submit to my Father who loves me, and trust that he knows what he's doing?"

For a while there, I wasn't sure.  But, I'm grabbing back on to Jesus.  He is with me while the waters are rising up around my neck.  He is with me when I'm gasping for breath.  He breathes life into me when I feel like my heart is dying. 

Jesus is my whole life; I can't give up on him now.  He never gives up on me.  He's so faithful, especially when I am faithless.  I've tried clinging to other things and I always end up sinking.  But he is my life preserver in the middle of the storm, he will keep me afloat. 

I'm still soggy from the tears.  I'm still a mess.  My heart is still broken over shattered dreams.  I feel cast aside, not good enough, and defeated.  

But Jesus whispers to me in the middle of it all, "You're not alone.  You're feelings are hurt, we'll work through that.  But only I get to say who you are.  You are my dear daughter.  I will never drop you.  I am attending to you.  I take pride in you.  I am doing my best for you.  I will be enough for you in the middle of the your shattered dreams, hurt feelings, and discouragement.  When you're ready, we'll dream a new dream together."

Do you hear Jesus whispering?  What is he saying to you?  How is he encouraging you?  I would love to hear about it in the comments!

TOO MUCH TO LOSE - Why Relationships Are Worth The Effort

He loves sci-fi.  I despise it.  I love documentaries. They make him fall asleep. He loves to watch action movies.  I prefer British period pieces.  He hates the beach due to one too many sunburns.  I grew up on the shores of Lake Michigan.  It's not just a body of water to me, it quenches an ache deep in my soul.  I like to stay in my pajamas all day, he always gets dressed. He likes King Kong, Godzilla, comic books, and Kung Fu.  I like to think deeply about the meaning of life.

Needless to say, we're opposites.  Despite all those differences, Matt and I have been married 21 years and have 3 children.  The other day while he was complaining, I mean "reminding" me about how much he hated the beach, and how he never wants a pool, and come to think of it, he really hates mowing the lawn, I looked at him and asked, "Why did we get married?"  He answered without missing a beat, "Because I make you laugh."  He's right.  We laugh a lot.  

The truth is, even though we're very different, I adore him. He's my best friend.  I can tell him anything, and he has nothing hidden from me.  It wasn't always that way.  But about 10 years in, we either had to get real and honest, or we weren't going to survive this thing called marriage.  God stepped in, rescued us, and put us on a new path.  I'll save the details of that rescue for another day.

It may sound a little like a fairy tale romance.  Complete opposites, but completely in love.  Let me tell you, our love is deep, but it ain't no fairy tale.  We still fight and get angry with each other. Sometimes, I think he is a complete jerk.  And other times, I act like a spoiled brat.  We're very human people, we're just humans who have made a commitment to love each other even when loving is hard.  

Now we're so deep in this thing, there's no getting out.  We're invested in each other, invested in our children, invested in each other's hearts, invested in each other's bodies, invested in each other's relationship with God.  Even when things are difficult, we're determined to draw closer to one another, instead of pulling away.  There is too much to lose.

Have you ever tasted the sweetness of community like that? Where someone loves you enough not to give up on you? Do you have people in your life that you love enough to work through conflict?   I've not only experienced this in my marriage, but also in friendships and small groups.  Of course, marriage is in a whole different category, a covenant before God, involving body, soul and spirit.  

But as Christians, we are called to a pretty high standard where love is concerned,  We're not only called to love our brothers and sisters in Christ, we're even called to love our enemies.

If you've been hurt in community, if you've been brokenhearted by a friend, if you've been betrayed by a loved one, if you've always wanted a best friend but never really had one; let me start by saying...I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry for the rejection. I'm sorry for the heartache.  I'm sorry for the loneliness.  I have felt those things too and it hurts.  Jesus understands too, he was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief.  He weeps with you.  Your heart matters to Him.  Mourn that loss.  Poor your heart out to Jesus.  He wants to help you process through that heartache.

Can we have a little heart to heart though?

Will you allow me to ask you some difficult questions?

Have you ever been hard to love?  Have you hurt someone you cared about?  Are you ever selfishly motivated?  Have you pulled away when someone tried to open up to you?  I know I sure have.  We all long to be fought for, but have you fought to love someone?  I mean, really love them? 

It's so easy to fall into bitterness.  I have often used bitterness as self protection.  If I'm already expecting betrayal, maybe it won't hurt quite so bad when it comes? The only problem with that is my heart starts to die.  Little by little it turns from pink to black.  And before I know it, I'm treating everyone with disdain.  But if I can remember instead that I have hurt people too...that I am not always easy to love; I can resist bitterness and Jesus helps me to keep my heart open and willing to love.

The bottom line is different people see things from different perspectives. Everybody has their own set of lies they believe, everyone's been hurt, we all have a story that taints the way we see things.  Can you lay aside your desire to be right and try looking at things from a different perspective? 

Every time you let Jesus soften your heart and work through conflict in a loving way, you are growing in holiness.  You are growing more like Jesus.

Philippians 2:5-8

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.   

Please friend, don't give up on community.  I will beg you if I have to.  It's so important!  You will most likely never change because you heard a really great sermon. 

For hard hearts to actually change form, we have to bump up against other people.  We have to experience differing opinions and challenging personalities.  Most of us are more like rock than play-doh.  We don't change shape easily; we practically have to be pounded by hammers, like iron sharpens iron.  But every time we humble ourselves and let go of our own agendas and choose to love our fellow man, our hearts will change. 

Eventually, the jagged edges will be rubbed off, and our hearts will get smoother and smoother, until they start to get soft and pliable...like play-doh.  And then, we'll more willing to love people the way they are instead of waiting for them to change.  We'll be more willing to extend grace, instead of getting offended or defensive.  It's a beautiful thing, God's design for community.

So I'm asking you, will you give community another try?  Will you ask God to soften your heart? Will you be the one to extend the olive branch?  Will you allow your heart to be soft toward that spouse that seems so far away?  Will you join another small group, even though the last one didn't work out?  Will you ask that friend for forgiveness, or ask that loved one for a fresh start?  They may not accept the grace you offer, but Jesus will change you through it.  He will teach you things in that darkness that can't be learned any other way.  The bible makes it clear, Jesus wants you in community.  

Join me, will you?  Let's not give up on each other.  Let's be committed to seeing this through because we have too much to lose to give up now.

* I want to add something just to be clear, there are boundaries that should not be crossed.  There are times that we need distance from each other.  Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing.  We are commanded to forgive, but trust is earned.  I would never advocate abuse of any kind, whether it be physical, emotional, or verbal abuse!  If you are in an abusive situation, please reach out to someone you trust right now!  You are important, please get the help that you need.  If you are in a sticky situation and confused about boundary issues, please seek help from your pastor or counselor that can help you wade through those muddy waters.

IODINE - A CURE FOR SELF PITY?

This is my dog, Lady.  Lady is my buddy, she follows me everywhere.  I love her.  I tell her all the time that she's my best friend.  What she doesn't know is that I have a few best friends.  I don't think she cares though, she just wants to be with me.  Right now, she's laying at my feet.  If I were to get up and move to the living room, she would get up and come too.  Such a faithful friend.

Just like the rest of us, Lady has some issues.  We adopted her from a shelter about 3 years ago, so we don't know her background, we don't even really know how old she is.  Due to some of her behavior, we believe she was abused and neglected, and probably a stray at some point.  She's terrified of thunderstorms, fireworks, pots and pans, any and all raised voices, and every other dog in the universe.  She is mostly healthy, but we deal with some tummy and skin issues from time to time.  Right now, she is one itchy girl.  I've been calling her Itchy McItcherson.  After a couple of baths with special shampoo and some iodine for the really bad spots, she's doing better.  She really hates the iodine.  I think it stings.  But I use it because it really works to kill the bacteria.

I know at this point you're wondering why I'm writing about my dog and her skin condition.  I do have a point, I promise.  I assure you, this is not a pet wellness page.  But, she's been licking her wounds a lot, sometimes for hours at a time.  If we tell her to stop, she just goes under the bed where we can't reach her and keeps licking.  She's trying to clean her wounds, it's instinct.  The problem is, she's only making herself worse.  She licks until it gets infected, and then eventually, she gets sick.  Then, I have to resort to the iodine.

Well, here's the problem.  Every time I hear her licking, I'm reminded of myself.  I have been licking my wounds too.  Some difficult life situations have come up.  Nothing really serious, just the regular heart aches that come with living and trying to follow God.  But, I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself.  

I have been thinking a lot about the book The Horse and His Boy by CS Lewis.  It's my favorite one of the Narnia series, mostly because of this one scene.  The main character, Shasta, has not had an easy life and had been through many recent trials.  He was lost, all alone, vulnerable and in a fog where he couldn't see a thing.  Then he says out loud to no one in particular, "I do think that I must be the most unfortunate boy that ever lived in the whole world.  Everything goes right for everyone except me."

Oh friends, if you only knew how many times I've said those same things.  Self pity is a well worn sweatshirt for me.  A sweatshirt with a big old hood, pulled up around my face.  So comfy and cozy, but oh so isolating.  Self pity is an ugly thing, it festers and spreads.  It's repulsive to everyone around us, and it only makes things worse.  Don't get me wrong, I am 100% for feeling your feelings!  I believe in mourning a loss.  It's good and healthy to do these things.  But there comes a point where self care and self compassion can turn to self pity and then we're in dangerous territory.

Once Shasta starts to shed tears, Aslan, the Great Lion shows up.  He says the most loving thing I have ever heard, "Tell me your sorrows."  He doesn't say, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, boy!"  He doesn't say, "Everything happens for a reason."  He uses none of our usual nonsensical responses to someone in pain.  Instead he communicates, "Share your heart with me.  I want to hear it.  I want to know your feelings.  I want to hear what you've been through." He listens patiently, and then this happens:

"I do not call you unfortunate," said the Large Voice.
"Don't you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" said Shasta
"There was only one lion," said the Voice.
"What on earth do you mean?  I've just told you there were at least two the first night, and -"
"There was only one: but he was swift of foot."
"How do you know?"
"I was the lion."  And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued.  "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis.  I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead.  I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept.  I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time.  And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

Aslan let Shasta in on the rest of the story, the big picture.  He gave him a different perspective, a new way to look at his situation.  I recently had a friend do something similar.  She reminded me that God wasn't out to hurt me, Satan was trying to make me believe something about God that wasn't true.  She did this in a very kind and gentle way, but it really was iodine for my heart.  I needed someone to help me get rid of the infection so I could see things more clearly.  It might sting a little sometimes, but oh how we need it!

Dear friends, if you are struggling and feeling self pity.  Don't tell yourself to suck it up.  Don't listen to the people who hard-heartedly tell you to move on.  Pour your heart out to God, He wants to hear your sorrows.  He wants to hear your struggles and your longings.  He cares so much about our hearts.  God will give you the change of perspective you need if you're willing to see it.  God is up to something bigger than what we can see.  We might not get the actual explanation like Shasta did, but he will help us to trust him.  And, please share your pain with a trusted friend who can help you see the truth, and let them gently rub some iodine on your heart.  It might sting a little, but it will be worth it.  God doesn't want you to be alone.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR TEETH?

My youngest daughter, Lacey, is 8 years old.  She is equal parts enchantment and spunk.  Just an absolute delight.  Lacey is late losing her baby teeth, and I have been so anxious to see them go.  Not because I want her to grow up, but I was afraid that she was going to get her adult teeth before her baby teeth fell out and I would miss all that toothless adorableness.  The smile, the lisp, I didn't want to miss any part of it!  She lost both of them in the last two weeks and her cuteness has skyrocketed. My heart leaps at the sight of her, and I cannot contain the giggles that bubble up.  Motherhood has been, by far, the most challenging endeavor I have ever faced.  But the joys, oh the joys.  I am smitten by these children of mine.  God is writing genuine entertaining characters!

If you know me at all, you know that I'm also in love with my church.  Every week, I can hardly wait until Sunday.  I love the music and the sermons, but most of all, I love the people.  That is what the church is after all.  It's not a building, or a place we go, it's a body of believers.  It's far from perfect, but I'm good with that.  I no longer expect perfection from myself and don't expect it from my church.  Churches are made up of people, and people need grace.  Just like me.  I am in desperate need of grace daily.

You guys, the sooner we learn that we are ALL in need of grace, the happier we will be.  The way my pastor says it is, "The greatest day of your life is the day you face yourself."  Unfortunately, like my friend Katrina says, it's never just one day.  It's not like you face yourself once and you're happy forever.  It's a process that happens continually.

If you're not tracking with me, I'll give you an example.  It starts out like this, I'm angry with someone.  I feel betrayed, or attacked, or overlooked and I think, "Can you believe that person?!  What a jerk!  I can't believe they would do that to me!  I would never do that thing!"  And God let's me be angry for a while and then He says, "Um...Kathryn.  How many times have you betrayed me, attacked me, overlooked me?  Yes, you may be different now, but that's only because I've changed you.  Without me, you would do the same exact thing."  And I close my eyes, and I take a deep breath, and I say, "You're right, Lord.  Thank you for your grace, now I can extend it to others."

So many people tell me that they are unhappy with their church, and I get it.  I hear the stories, and my heart aches.  People are missed, and hurt, and betrayed.  I'm not trying to minimize the pain, at all. But you guys, if we can't love each other, there is absolutely no hope that we will ever learn to love our enemies!  And this is what we're called to do!  We are the church, and we're called to love.

One of my favorite books of all times is 66 Love Letters by Larry Crabb.  Some will have a problem with this book simply because of the way it's written, as if God himself is speaking directly to the reader.  I understand that criticism, but I love the book just the same.  It is often the smack between the eyes that I need.  When I'm struggling, it's the first place I go.  The other day, I read this, "You are right to be discouraged with what your culture so often calls Christianity.  You are wrong to give in to futility.  My Son's work has only begun.  My plan is on track.  My Spirit is working.  Never give up on the church!"

Heart change is a process.  It takes time.  Just like you need time to change, other believers need time to change.  And God does the changing, we don't.  So often when God is pulling things up in our heart, things get worse before they get better.  Think about Lacey's teeth.  She has to lose all of her teeth before she gets her adult teeth.  Her teeth literally fall out of her head and she goes around talking with a lisp because she has no front teeth.  What if we started to get angry with Lacey because she talked with a lisp?  What if we didn't know that new teeth were coming?  What if we were saying, "Can you believe Lacey?  Talking with a lisp, and no front teeth at all!  That's disgusting.  The least she could do is keep her mouth closed!"  The only reason it's cute that Lacey is missing her teeth is because she'll get new ones.  If she were 18 and missing her 2 front teeth, we would think very differently about it, wouldn't we?

Next time you are offended, maybe try thinking about it in those terms?  Maybe that person has just lost their teeth and is doing the best they know how with what they have at the time.  Maybe they are in process and they're about to get their new, adult teeth.  You need grace, and I need grace.  Let's extend it to each other.

FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A CHRONIC ILLNESS

Living a life with chronic illness is no picnic.  In fact, the reason I haven't written on this blog since October of last year is because my Rheumatoid Arthritis took me out.  I was sick for three months.  I missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.  My disease affects me in ways most people could not imagine.  

I feel like this post of what not to do has been written millions of times.  Everybody has a list of things not to say, things not to do, for the chronically ill, for the grieving, for the special needs mom and on and on.  What not to eat, what not to wear.  The whole world is bossing us around.  Frankly, it seems old and overdone.  But the truth is, people still say things to me all the time about my illness that I wish they wouldn't.  I don't mean to be offensive, but there are some things that I would love for people to know.

1.  Don't suggest cures... 

Have you tried...  A gluten free diet, whole 30, the autoimmune protocol, giving up sugar, Zija, Shakeology, apple cider vinegar, clean eating, exercise, supplements, a naturopath, seeing a chiropractor, juicing, probiotics, and the list goes on.  It's a never ending list, actually.  As soon as we get to the end, something new will appear.

The answer for most of these is YES, YES, a thousand times, YES!!  I have tried many, many things.  I have found some of these things to be helpful.  But let me tell you what drives me insane about this question.  It misses me.  It passes right over my heart and my suffering and offers me a solution.  It says to me, "I don't want to listen to you.  I don't care about your heart.  Stop complaining.  It is your own fault you are sick, if you would just live a healthy lifestyle, you wouldn't suffer."  I get so tired of explaining how many things I have tried, and how things work for a while, and then my disease adjusts and it doesn't help anymore.

There are some exceptions to this rule, but they are few and far between. If you know me well, if you've loved me well, if you've cried with me, prayed for me, listened to me, hurt with me, then you have earned the right to suggest something.  After all, it could help me.  But, when you jump to this first thing, it is incredibly hurtful.

2.  Don't assume you know about my disease...

Autoimmune diseases are complicated.  Even my Rheumatologist doesn't know everything there is to know about RA, and that guy's a genius!  RA does not just give you achy joints.  It destroys your joints.  It deforms them.  If you're really wondering if that's true, I can show you a toe that points in the completely wrong direction, or I could let you listen to the lovely grinding noise my knees make. RA also can affect your heart, lungs, eyes, skin, and even your voice.  One day I was completely bedridden because every time I took a breath, I was nearly knocked over with searing pain in my lungs.  The lining of my lungs was inflamed, for one day.  The next day, I woke up fine.  You just never know where it's going to hit and how long it's going to stay.  

3.  Don't tell me to lose weight...

"If you could just lose 20 pounds, you would feel so much better."  When mentioning how much my knees hurt, "You know, honey, you are overweight."  NOT HELPFUL!  This really is the worst, because if I knew how to do that, I would have done it 20 years ago!!  I have struggled with my weight since I can remember.  I have tried every diet known to man.  I even juice fasted for 7 days.  I gained 5 pounds.  The only thing I lost was my will to live.  I am just done with all of that.  One of the symptoms of an autoimmune disease is unexplained weight gain.  Unexplained.  If all of the science community cannot explain it, you probably can't either.  I am doing the best I can over here.  

4.  Don't assume because I look good, I feel good...  

I know how to hide my pain.  I've done it my whole life.  I can sit through a church service at a 7 on the pain scale and you wouldn't know anything was wrong with me.  My husband can tell, but only because he knows me so well.  People who struggle with chronic pain know more about pushing through physically than someone who's never had pain ever will.  We will collapse when we know it's safe to collapse.  Until then, we'll muscle through until we can't take it anymore, and you probably won't have a clue.       

5.  Don't tell me to stop taking my medication...

I take some pretty powerful medications.  They can be scary to people.  I get this.  Do you know why?  Because they scare me!  Anybody who takes these medications knows the risks.  I have done more research than you can imagine.  My husband and I have prayed and agonized over this decision, and we have chosen to take the meds.  If you didn't choose to take the meds, I understand, and I don't judge it.  It's a personal decision and I respect it.  Please, do the same for me.  I want to do everything I can to live as full of a life as I can for my husband and my children.  They are my world.  If I can help it, I don't want their memory of me to be that I was always in bed, always in pain, never engaged in life.  For now, the meds are helping me do that.  I don't know what the future holds, this is the way I'm choosing life today.  

What should I do?

So now you may be asking, well what should I do?  My answer is, the same things you would do for anyone else.  Show compassion. Listen.  Ask me questions because you really want to understand, not because you want to tell me what I'm doing wrong.  Try to see things from my perspective.  Ask me how I'm feeling and care about my answer.  Be my friend, tell me about your life, let me listen and show you compassion too.  I don't want one sided friendships, I want to give as much as I receive.  Because underneath it all, we're all the same.  We all struggle, we all have pain, maybe not physical pain, but pain none the less.  Be kind and loving to one another, that's really all any of us long for.