A Thousand Sorrows

I keep trying to convince myself that I'm fine.  I'm not tired, or weary, or lonely, or bored, or anything...  I'm fine.  But, deep down inside, I know.  There's a grief in my heart that I cannot let go of.  

I had dreams about this year.  Things were going to be different.  God had recently stirred some dormant longings.  He led me down a new path.  I took a new risk, something I would never have thought of doing on my own.  It was clear to me that to be obedient to God, I had to take this risk.  But, if I had known ahead of time what that risk was going to cost me, I would never have taken it.  The result of that risk felt like rejection, betrayal, humiliation, and heartbreak.  

I just couldn't understand why God would lead me down a path to break my heart.  I still don't understand it. Instead of living a new dream, I'm doing the same old things.  Spending every day alone, taking care of a sick dog, trying to get the stains from her sickness up out of my carpet, and more laundry than I ever dreamed possible.  I might just pass out from all the excitement!  I long for more.  I'm bored out of my ever loving mind.  I adore my kids and my husband, I am beyond grateful for my life.  But, it felt like God had dangled a carrot in front of me, just to snatch it away.  

Why would he do that?  I don't know.  I still don't have the answers, and probably never will.  But there are a few things I know for certain.  Lamentations 3:33, "He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way."  He didn't do it deliberately to hurt me, and he will at one time or another bring something good out of all of it.  Romans 8:28b. "...every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."  So here I sit in the middle of the disappointment trying to muddle my way through.  

In our small group leadership class we teach that the definition of a disciple is, "One who after facing their own brokenness, finds God faithful, and turns in gratitude to give."  When we first wrote that definition, I was thinking of a disciple as a destination, a place you reach. " I now pronounce you a disciple."  But, the thing I am realizing is, I am still in the disciple process.  Every day, I have to face my brokenness, every day I have to fight to find God faithful, and then, I turn in gratitude to give.  There is still so much brokenness in me.  I want my way, my will, my desires.  I think that I am the one who's faithful to God and he owes me.  Such backward thinking.  He is the one who's faithful to me, even when I turn my back on him.  I owe him my entire existence!  He's given me so much and I'm like a toddler who begs for a cracker and then you hand him the cracker and he throws it on the ground and begs for something else.  That toddler is me.

The other day, I heard John Piper say these words, "A thousand sorrows teaches a man to preach."  I watched a video where three godly pastors discussed that phrase, and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.  I keep thinking of it in other contexts.  A thousand sorrows teaches a woman to mother.  A thousand sorrows teaches a man to father.  A thousand sorrows teaches a woman to teach.  A thousand sorrows teaches a friend to love.  It is in the sorrows of life that our hearts are tenderized towards others.  We learn compassion. We learn how to love.  We see our brokenness.  We taste of grace.  We experience God's comfort.  The scriptures come alive.  Psalm 119:71, "My troubles turned out all for the best—they forced me to learn from your textbook."

This new sorrow is just one of the many thousand I will face over a lifetime.  If it happened for no other reason than to provide me with a more tender heart, than I believe that was reason enough.  Jesus, help us to see our own brokenness, to find you faithful in the brokenness of life, and to turn in gratitude to give.  You are so worthy of our hearts.