Midlife Crisis

Something is wrong with me and I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's depression.  Maybe it's a midlife crisis.  I'm not sure.  There is some kind of turmoil rolling around in my heart.  I love my husband and my children.  They are the joy of my life.  I don't long for a new life, or a new man, or a sports car, or any of those normal midlife crisis themes.  I long for a new me.

I'm so tired of fighting the same battles of insecurity, insignificance, and loneliness, not to mention my weight and disease.  I want to be different!  I long to matter.  I long to make a difference.  I want this world and the people around me to be different because I exist, because they know me.  Not because I'm me, but because of Jesus in me and how he shines through me.  I just long for so much more meaning in my life.  I look around and think, "Is this really all there is?"

Today, you know what I did?  I went back to bed after the kids left for school and stayed there until after 1:00 pm.  Then I took a bath and ate two rice krispy treats.  That's it, that's all I did.  I'm not even supposed to eat rice krispy treats since the sugar increases inflammation and that makes me tired and triggers my chronic pain.  But, I did it anyway.  After a recent knockout, I've taken off my boxing gloves and gotten out of the ring.  You might as well picture me covered in fluffy blankets, sitting in a recliner, eating rice krispy treats, because that's pretty much what I've been doing...literally and figuratively.  I really like rice krispy treats.

It's okay to take a break once in a while.  It's okay to rest and regroup.  But, I think my break has drifted into self indulgence and self pity.  I've shut down.  This is not good.

I feel like a failure.  I really do.  For some reason, I have this crushing feeling that by 43, I should have accomplished so much more.  What?  I don't know.  Just something!  The only thing I ever really dreamed of was being a wife and a mom and I've done that, I'm doing that.  I'm not sure where this new pressure is coming from.  And I don't like the way that sounds, because it's sounds like I think raising a family is no big deal, and I know it's an important job!  I love being with my kids and caring for them.  But they're at school 8 hours a day now, and I'm just here doing crap I don't like to do.  Except for eating rice krispy treats, I like doing that.  Did I mention that I really enjoy rice krispy treats?

I'm really close to just shutting down the blog, and giving up on writing for good.  I feel like I suck at it.  I am plagued with self doubt.  PLAGUED.  Living in my head is like riding a roller-coaster, one minute I'm like, "Look at me, I'm rocking this life!"  Two minutes later, "I'm such a failure, nobody likes me and I can't do anything right!"  It's exhausting!

I've had more victory in my thought life in the past.  And, I'm realizing as I'm writing all of this that I've been listening to the enemy's lies.  Not just listening, but believing them.  It's time to take back some ground.  I think this time, I didn't even fight for the ground I lost; I just handed it over.

First of all, I am not a failure because things don't work out exactly like I want them to.  God is up to something bigger that I cannot see.  It is okay that I struggle.  I am free to struggle.  I don't have to have my life figured out at 43.  Frankly, I don't think I have to have my life figured out at 83.  God has my life figured out with a plan and a purpose.  I have no idea what that is, but I'm going to have to be okay with that because He's God and I'm not.

The other night, I couldn't sleep.  All of this turmoil in my heart was troubling me.  I asked God to please give me a verse for direction.  At the time, I didn't think it was all that relevant, which makes me laugh now.

Psalm 32:7-11, "For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble.  You surround me with songs of victory.  The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.  Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.'  Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.  So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!  Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!"

In my study bible it says, "God describes some people as being like horses or mules that have to be controlled by bits and bridles.  Rather than letting God guide them step by step, they stubbornly leave God only one option.  If God wants to keep them useful for him, he must use discipline and punishment.  God longs to guide us with love and wisdom rather than punishment.  He offers to teach us the best way to go.  Accept the advice written in God's Word and don't let your stubbornness keep you from obeying."

It's like God knows me or something!  Sigh...  Yes, I can be stubborn.  Yes, sometimes I'm a mule. Sometimes, God has to put a bit between my gritted teeth and pull me back to Him.  But, here I am again, realizing it's okay to need help.  I'm opening my hands, unclenching my teeth.  Remembering that it's good to rely on God and follow him step by step.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life in this season of transition, but I know that I can trust God to guide me step by step.  

A Thousand Sorrows

I keep trying to convince myself that I'm fine.  I'm not tired, or weary, or lonely, or bored, or anything...  I'm fine.  But, deep down inside, I know.  There's a grief in my heart that I cannot let go of.  

I had dreams about this year.  Things were going to be different.  God had recently stirred some dormant longings.  He led me down a new path.  I took a new risk, something I would never have thought of doing on my own.  It was clear to me that to be obedient to God, I had to take this risk.  But, if I had known ahead of time what that risk was going to cost me, I would never have taken it.  The result of that risk felt like rejection, betrayal, humiliation, and heartbreak.  

I just couldn't understand why God would lead me down a path to break my heart.  I still don't understand it. Instead of living a new dream, I'm doing the same old things.  Spending every day alone, taking care of a sick dog, trying to get the stains from her sickness up out of my carpet, and more laundry than I ever dreamed possible.  I might just pass out from all the excitement!  I long for more.  I'm bored out of my ever loving mind.  I adore my kids and my husband, I am beyond grateful for my life.  But, it felt like God had dangled a carrot in front of me, just to snatch it away.  

Why would he do that?  I don't know.  I still don't have the answers, and probably never will.  But there are a few things I know for certain.  Lamentations 3:33, "He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way."  He didn't do it deliberately to hurt me, and he will at one time or another bring something good out of all of it.  Romans 8:28b. "...every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."  So here I sit in the middle of the disappointment trying to muddle my way through.  

In our small group leadership class we teach that the definition of a disciple is, "One who after facing their own brokenness, finds God faithful, and turns in gratitude to give."  When we first wrote that definition, I was thinking of a disciple as a destination, a place you reach. " I now pronounce you a disciple."  But, the thing I am realizing is, I am still in the disciple process.  Every day, I have to face my brokenness, every day I have to fight to find God faithful, and then, I turn in gratitude to give.  There is still so much brokenness in me.  I want my way, my will, my desires.  I think that I am the one who's faithful to God and he owes me.  Such backward thinking.  He is the one who's faithful to me, even when I turn my back on him.  I owe him my entire existence!  He's given me so much and I'm like a toddler who begs for a cracker and then you hand him the cracker and he throws it on the ground and begs for something else.  That toddler is me.

The other day, I heard John Piper say these words, "A thousand sorrows teaches a man to preach."  I watched a video where three godly pastors discussed that phrase, and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.  I keep thinking of it in other contexts.  A thousand sorrows teaches a woman to mother.  A thousand sorrows teaches a man to father.  A thousand sorrows teaches a woman to teach.  A thousand sorrows teaches a friend to love.  It is in the sorrows of life that our hearts are tenderized towards others.  We learn compassion. We learn how to love.  We see our brokenness.  We taste of grace.  We experience God's comfort.  The scriptures come alive.  Psalm 119:71, "My troubles turned out all for the best—they forced me to learn from your textbook."

This new sorrow is just one of the many thousand I will face over a lifetime.  If it happened for no other reason than to provide me with a more tender heart, than I believe that was reason enough.  Jesus, help us to see our own brokenness, to find you faithful in the brokenness of life, and to turn in gratitude to give.  You are so worthy of our hearts.