During my pregnancies, my gag reflex was out of control. I would throw up for almost any reason. The smell of bread in a plastic bag, being hungry, the texture of eggs, brushing my teeth - they all sent me running to the toilet. In retrospect, it's a small price to pay for a brand new life. I may have thrown up enough vomit to fill a dumpster, but I have three amazing human beings to show for it. The suffering was worth it.
Last Spring, I started reading a book called Why Pray. It was a great little read, and as all good books do, it messed with me a little bit. It began to change the way I prayed. Instead of praying for weight loss and health, I simply started to pray that God's Kingdom would come in my body and in my heart. I didn't realize how life changing those prayers would be. I assumed that God and I had the same ideas about what was good for my body and my health. I was wrong.
Shortly after starting to pray that prayer, something changed. My Rheumatoid Arthritis, that had been managed by nutrition alone, without any meds, started to change. My energy drained. My feet swelled up and my toes stiffened and wouldn't bend. I had pain every single minute of every single day, and in a new place every week. I went back on my meds only to have them changed twice since then. The latest medication they have me on is a chemotherapy drug, Methotrexate. This medication is the reason I can't brush my teeth without tears. My mouth is covered in ulcers, one of the many side effects of this drug. I give myself a shot of it once a week. There is no cure for RA, but the hope is with these strong drugs that they can slow down the progression of the disease and minimize the damage it does. The only thing worse than giving myself a chemotherapy shot is, I'm not sure it's working. Pain and fatigue still fill my days.
When all of this first started to happen, I wasn't upset. I felt like because I had prayed that prayer, that I could really trust that this was God's will for me and that he would use it for good. I was willing to surrender my health. I was willing to live with pain. But here's the thing. It has started to affect other people. People I really love a lot. I see the concern in Matt's eyes. I see the disappointment in my kids faces when I have to say no to a field trip or an outing, or even a trip upstairs to tuck them into bed. It hurts them. I know they understand, but that's not the point. This disease is not just stealing from me, it's stealing from my family and I hate that.
Matt and I have cried many tears about what the next step is. There are more meds to try, but they come with even more risks. Very serious risks. Is my quality of life now worth serious cancer risks in the future? Is the quality of my life now worth a shorter life span? We still don't have answers to those questions.
One thing I know for sure is that God loves me. Something in me is different. I feel settled in God's love in a new and powerful way. I can't explain it. I just know it, to the depths of my being. I'm loved. Through this suffering, God is bringing new life. Though outwardly I'm wasting away, inwardly I'm being made new. And maybe someday, looking back, like I look back on my pregnancies, I will be able to say that the suffering was worth the new life being formed in me... But as Aragorn says in The Lord of the Rings, "But it is not this day." I am just not there yet.
I'm not ready to wrap it up in a neat little package that says, "worth it." It's hard. I'm ready to meet Jesus, I can't wait to see his face. But I am not ready for my children to not have their mother. I am not ready for my husband to marry somebody else. He's mine and you can't have him! I don't mean to be overly dramatic, I know I'm probably not going to die tomorrow, but these are the thoughts that sometimes fill my days. The disease I have is serious, incurable and life threatening.
So here I am. I'm sitting here in the middle of two truths. The first truth is that life hurts and doesn't work out like we plan it, and the other is that God loves me and has not deserted me. One does not exclude the other. They are both true. God is with us in the pain. As Brene Brown says, '"I thought faith was going to be like a epidural and take the pain away, but instead it is like a midwife saying, "Push, it's supposed to hurt."'
So, I will not give up. I will persevere because God is with me. I will surrender to what God wants to do with my life, but I will not surrender to this disease. I will fight it every step of the way because my children and husband need me to do that. Just as I continue to brush my teeth even though my mouth hurts, I will persevere through pain for the greater good. I will let the pain change me. I will let it make me softer, more compassionate and more loving. I will not let it make me bitter and mean. Because when all is said and done, love will have been the only thing that mattered.
2 Corinthians 4:16 - That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.
1 Corinthians 8:1-3 - But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church. Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn't really know very much. But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes.
Shortly after starting to pray that prayer, something changed. My Rheumatoid Arthritis, that had been managed by nutrition alone, without any meds, started to change. My energy drained. My feet swelled up and my toes stiffened and wouldn't bend. I had pain every single minute of every single day, and in a new place every week. I went back on my meds only to have them changed twice since then. The latest medication they have me on is a chemotherapy drug, Methotrexate. This medication is the reason I can't brush my teeth without tears. My mouth is covered in ulcers, one of the many side effects of this drug. I give myself a shot of it once a week. There is no cure for RA, but the hope is with these strong drugs that they can slow down the progression of the disease and minimize the damage it does. The only thing worse than giving myself a chemotherapy shot is, I'm not sure it's working. Pain and fatigue still fill my days.
When all of this first started to happen, I wasn't upset. I felt like because I had prayed that prayer, that I could really trust that this was God's will for me and that he would use it for good. I was willing to surrender my health. I was willing to live with pain. But here's the thing. It has started to affect other people. People I really love a lot. I see the concern in Matt's eyes. I see the disappointment in my kids faces when I have to say no to a field trip or an outing, or even a trip upstairs to tuck them into bed. It hurts them. I know they understand, but that's not the point. This disease is not just stealing from me, it's stealing from my family and I hate that.
Matt and I have cried many tears about what the next step is. There are more meds to try, but they come with even more risks. Very serious risks. Is my quality of life now worth serious cancer risks in the future? Is the quality of my life now worth a shorter life span? We still don't have answers to those questions.
One thing I know for sure is that God loves me. Something in me is different. I feel settled in God's love in a new and powerful way. I can't explain it. I just know it, to the depths of my being. I'm loved. Through this suffering, God is bringing new life. Though outwardly I'm wasting away, inwardly I'm being made new. And maybe someday, looking back, like I look back on my pregnancies, I will be able to say that the suffering was worth the new life being formed in me... But as Aragorn says in The Lord of the Rings, "But it is not this day." I am just not there yet.
I'm not ready to wrap it up in a neat little package that says, "worth it." It's hard. I'm ready to meet Jesus, I can't wait to see his face. But I am not ready for my children to not have their mother. I am not ready for my husband to marry somebody else. He's mine and you can't have him! I don't mean to be overly dramatic, I know I'm probably not going to die tomorrow, but these are the thoughts that sometimes fill my days. The disease I have is serious, incurable and life threatening.
So here I am. I'm sitting here in the middle of two truths. The first truth is that life hurts and doesn't work out like we plan it, and the other is that God loves me and has not deserted me. One does not exclude the other. They are both true. God is with us in the pain. As Brene Brown says, '"I thought faith was going to be like a epidural and take the pain away, but instead it is like a midwife saying, "Push, it's supposed to hurt."'
So, I will not give up. I will persevere because God is with me. I will surrender to what God wants to do with my life, but I will not surrender to this disease. I will fight it every step of the way because my children and husband need me to do that. Just as I continue to brush my teeth even though my mouth hurts, I will persevere through pain for the greater good. I will let the pain change me. I will let it make me softer, more compassionate and more loving. I will not let it make me bitter and mean. Because when all is said and done, love will have been the only thing that mattered.
2 Corinthians 4:16 - That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.
1 Corinthians 8:1-3 - But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church. Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn't really know very much. But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes.
1 comment:
Oh my dear sister....tears for the truth in these words. I love you.
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