When God changes your dream.

Twelve years ago, my dream came true and my heart shattered all at the same time.

All I ever dreamed about in my life was becoming a mother.  A wife and a mom.  That's it.  That's all I ever wanted to be.  When my son was born, my dream came true.  But, I soon learned that my dream wasn't going to be enough to make me happy.  I was still empty because I was still me.  In fact, I was more me than I had ever been.  I saw myself clearly for the first time.  The blinders over my eyes were gone and I saw how selfish and cruel I really was.  What kind of a person gets angry with a newborn for not sleeping?  What kind of a person is completely overwhelmed with the thought of having to clip a baby's fingernails?  What kind of a person feels completely rejected and worthless when she can't calm down a fussy baby.  I'll tell you what kind of person...  Me.  I very quickly learned that I was not up to the task of motherhood.

That's me and my first born son and the only way we got any sleep.

Ten years into my marriage, after a crushing blow, I learned I was not up to the task of being wife either.  My heart was broken and I didn't want to give anymore.

But here's the crazy thing.  When my dreams were shattered, my heart came alive.  For real.  When I saw myself for who I really was -  unloving, selfish, proud, and manipulative - I realized for the first time, my desperate need for God.  And that is when everything changed.  My eyes were opened to a whole new life.  I know it sounds weird.  I know it's hard to understand.  I'll do my best to explain it.

You see, I saw my Christian life as a magic formula.  If I did this, then God had to do this.  He owed it to me.  A+B=C.  But, when my life was shattered, and I saw myself clearly, I was able to see for the first time that everything I had was a gift.  I had earned none of it.  All of my righteousness, my right living, my following the rules, was nothing but filthy rags.  I had missed all of the graces that I had been showered with because I thought I deserved them.  I didn't think I needed grace.  I didn't even understand what it was!

The thing about me is, it's not enough for me to know this.  It's not enough for me to appreciate this and enjoy it.  I don't know why, but there is a burning desire in me for you to know it too.  I guess when my dream of perfect wife and mom was shattered, God replaced it with a new dream.  I long to make a difference.  I guess I kind of want to change the world.  It's why I do everything that I do.  I want you to know Jesus, the way I know him.  Not just to know him like you learn about him when you're little in Sunday School.  Although, that's a great start.  But to know what it's like to have a living, breathing, authentic relationship with him.  That's why I live this transparent, broken life that I do.  That's why I try hard not to hide my sin, why I share my life on facebook, why I write on this blog, why I teach the small group leadership class at church, and why I get up in front of our whole church and talk about my sin patterns.  Why would anybody in their right mind do those things?!  Well, I'm not in my right mind.  I am desperate.  Desperate for you to know this God that I am crazy in love with who forgives all my sin and loves me with an everlasting love.  I don't have to be anything that I'm not.  I just have to admit who I am without him, and rejoice in who I am with him.