A heart-shattered life.

God did it to me again.

Last week, I was pushed to my breaking point.  It's not the first time I've been here.  Not even close.  I can't even remember the exact circumstances, but I can be pretty sure it had something to do with a little girl with raven hair and gigantic brown eyes who was refusing to wear pants to school.  Her sensory issues were raging and making us all late for school, and mom's patience was running thin.  And then there's the boy who thinks that when things get tense it's a great idea to be sarcastic.  That'll lighten the mood!  Don't forget the 9 year old beauty who stares blankly into space instead of getting her winter gear on.

I try so hard to wear a brave face.  To be kind, patient and to know God is enough in the moment.  I want to do it right.  I don't want to point my finger at God.  I don't want to be angry with him.  I want to just quietly submit.  But God doesn't seem to let me do that.  He pushes, and he pushes.  He seems to want me to break.

That may not sound like God to you.  You may think I'm being blasphemous.  But, you may not understand how well I can fake it.  I have spent most of my life in hiding.  Hiding my feelings, emotions, and my sin.  I hid it so well, I didn't even see it.  I didn't even know who I was or what I was feeling.

God knows when I really have quietly submitted and when I'm just faking it.  And when I'm just faking it, he is faithful enough to keep pushing me until I break.  I'm not talking about losing it with my kids or my husband.  He doesn't want me sinning against them.  But what he does want is for me to be honest with him.  To fall on my face before him and admit that there is a slice of my heart that still hates him and wants what I want instead of what he wants.

When I finally give in and pour my heart out, it's almost like I can hear God breathe a sigh of relief.  He says, "Okay, now that you've admitted it, we can deal with it."  He cleans me up, stitches up my broken heart, and gives me a hug.  He reminds me again that he is enough, even when I don't believe it.  I can't do any of this on my own.  I need his help!  And he knows it.

Psalm 51:17 says, "The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.  You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."

The Message says it this way, "Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you.  I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.  Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice."

Heart-shattered lives...  Yes, that pretty much describes it.  I am living a heart-shattered life.  I am so grateful that he doesn't miss it.  I am ready for his love, desperate for it in fact.