I'm not very good at processing my emotions. Feeling my feelings takes a lot of time and effort for me. Although, I'm getting better. The little stuff is getting easier. But the big stuff. Oh the big stuff.
Heartache. Death. Health problems. Special needs. Betrayal.
How I long for heaven. I long to see Jesus's face, to hear his voice, to feel his arms.
This world is so broken. Everything is broken. Nothing remains untouched by the curse. Right now it feels like the curse is sitting on my chest, laughing in my face.
I was so looking forward to the New Year. I was hopeful that this year would be different. But now that it's come and gone, things are still the same. Health problems are still there. Precious loved ones are still gone. Regrets torment me. Special needs are still a part of our daily lives. And new heartaches are already here.
I feel dried up. Like a raisin that used to be a grape.
But, it's just hitting me now. Raisins are sweeter than grapes. Have you ever noticed that? I've bitten into a lot of grapes and made that pucker face. I've never bitten into a raisin and made a pucker face. Why is that?
Grapes are mostly water. When the water leaves the grape, the sugar stays. The raisin gets smaller and sweeter.
Is that what God is doing to me through these trials? Is he making me sweeter? I do not want to look like a raisin, but I wouldn't mind tasting like one. When people taste of my heart, I would love for it to be sweet.
Have you ever noticed that when you spend a lot of time with someone, you end up acting like them? Your words can even have the same cadence and inflection, and sometimes you even leave smelling like them. This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the people you spend time with.
I want to smell like Jesus. I want to act like him and talk like him. I want to be like him. He is the one who never betrays me or deserts me. He understands all my crazy emotions, even when they confuse the heck out of me.
Suffering is how He does that. It's through the fire that our faith is purified. It's through the struggle of life that he makes us beautiful. And it's through the heartache that he makes our hearts come alive.
I have to admit that while I am writing this, I'm listening to James Taylor. It matched my mood, slow and a bit melancholy. But then an upbeat song came on. How sweet it is to be loved by you. "I needed the shelter of someone's arms, there you were. I needed someone to understand my ups and downs, there you were. With sweet love and devotion, deeply touching my emotions." Now I know that James Taylor wrote this song for a woman, not Jesus. But it's so much more true of Jesus than it is of any woman, or man for that matter! I smiled when he said, "How sweet it is to be loved by you. It's like jelly, baby." Yep, grape jelly.
Jesus, I am yours. My life is yours. I trust that you are doing something good through this time of struggle. Make me sweet.
Psalm 42
As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him? Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me,saying, “Where is this God of yours?” My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you— even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar. I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. “O God my rock,” I cry, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?” Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!
