Today I feel alone. And not alone as in I would like company. Alone as in the kind of alone that even when you're in a room full of people you still feel it. Like everybody else knows all the answers and how to make life work, but I was absent on that day of school and I've been trying to figure it out ever since.
I find life to be hard. I find getting out of bed difficult and getting through my day with gratitude difficult and raising children difficult and making dinner difficult and keeping a home difficult. Am I the only one? It feels like I am. Every morning I want to update my Facebook status with, "I find life to be hard." But I don't. Do you know why? Because I don't want to make myself vulnerable to the people who will say things like, "Smile, be positive." or "Life is what you make it," or something like that. Do you know why it bothers me? Because it misses the point. It misses my heart. My heart is lonely and broken and empty and when people give me meaningless advice, it feels like they've just wiped their shoes on my already broken heart. I know that people that give advice need grace too, because the truth is their hearts are also lonely and broken and maybe even empty.
I hate that I am discouraged and feeling like a failure again. I hate that I keep struggling with the same things over and over. I just want to be done with it. I want to be happy and joyful all the time. But joy is a fight. It doesn't come easy.
The other day I took a long walk through Riverside Park. I love that park. I feel God's presence every time I'm there. I was enjoying the colors on the trees and noticing how many trees had already lost their leaves. A couple weeks ago I taught a lesson entitled, "Life Cycle of a Small Group," and that lesson was on my mind when I started contemplating the life cycle of a tree. In the spring the tree starts out with new life, then in the summer bountiful leaves, then spectacular beauty in the fall and ultimately death as the leaves fall and the tree lies dormant for the winter. New life, bounty, beauty and death. When the tree experiences what must feel like death, it doesn't really die of course. It just rests. When the fruit and leaves are gone, it rests.
I wonder if the tree ever feels like, "Why bother growing leaves again, I will just lose them in the winter? What is the point?" If I were a tree I'm pretty sure I would feel that way. I can tend to be a pessimist, a glass half empty sort of girl. I feel like giving up a lot. But after the winter, the tree may have to start over again with new growth, but it doesn't completely start over. It starts again where it left off. Otherwise all we'd have are small trees. There are some giant trees at Riverside park. Their massiveness sometimes takes my breath away. I wonder how old they are and how much life they've seen. I wonder how many times they've gone through their life cycles.
Our lives are very much like those trees. We go through cycles. We have times of new life, times of bounty, times of beauty, and times of death. I always thought spiritual growth was a straight path, but I'm beginning to see we are walking it in circles and with every circle we get a little closer to Jesus. I've told this story a hundred times, but I find it so helpful. Years ago, I was discouraged once again and said to a friend, "I am just going around in circles, never making any progress." And he said, "You may be going in circles, but the circle is getting smaller. It's taking you less time to get to repentance." I've found that to be true. Larry Crabb says it this way, "From happiness through despair to joy - that's the cycle. Then, since joy is never fully settled, it repeats itself. Our lives move again from feeling pretty good to hurting terribly to deeper hope, different and richer. The 'happiness-to-despair' part at least is familiar to every honest person who sincerely tries to follow this crazy, narrow, pothole-ridden path called the Christian life."
My life feels a bit barren right now. We've experienced so much loss over the last 8 months. But deep down my heart always has a reason to rejoice. Jesus loves me. And he loves you. There's a line in one of my favorite songs that says, "Nothing can separate, even if I ran away. Your love never fails. I know I still make mistakes, but you have new mercy for me every day. Your love never fails." Comfort. What a comfort! I am so grateful.
In this season of death, I will be like a tree and I will rest. I will not give up. I will rest in the fact that new life is coming. That God is in control. That God is big and I am small. He sees everything and knows what He's doing. And as I journey through these cycles, I pray that some day someone wonders at the beauty of my heart and marvels at the massiveness of Jesus and all He has brought me through.
