Five Months of Darkness

I know it's been a long time since I've written.  I'm not even sure why I've decided to write today, I don't really have anything on my heart to say.  Which is why I haven't written since September.  Matt says that I have been neglecting my writing and I should really make time for it.  So here I am sitting at my computer, staring at a blank page.

Life has been hard lately, and I guess that is what is on my mind most of the time.  It has been five months since my precious nephew, Jonathan, took his own life.  The aftermath of that on my dear sister and her beloved family has been nothing less than devastating.  They keep bravely putting one foot in front of the other, but their hearts are forever changed.

Easter Sunday, my Father-in-law passed away.  It was only the Tuesday before that pancreatic cancer was even mentioned, it was confirmed on Thursday and he was gone on Sunday.  It happened so fast and we are all still reeling.  My husband and son's hearts were broken.  I've never seen either of them hurt so much.

Shortly after that, Matt and I were told by a Psychologist that Kam, our oldest son, most likely has Autism and we had to sit with that news for about two months before we could get him a real diagnosis.

Then, all within one day I was hit with three different things.  First, Kameron does not have autism, but has a very severe case of Sensory Processing Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  He will need $4,000 worth of therapy and insurance will not cover it.  Second, I got a phone call about some blood work because I've had on going health issues.  My blood work came back with an elevated rheumatoid factor, my preliminary diagnosis is rheumatoid arthritis.  This is the best case scenario.  I go to the rheumatologist in September.  The only thing we know for sure is that it is an autoimmune disease, we just don't know which one yet.  The third was an arrow straight to my heart that shattered it into a million pieces, an arrow so personal that it's not the kind you share on blogs or with anyone other than the closest of friends.

It feels like my heart has been smashed, trampled on and ground in.  I cannot say that I have not had times of despair, or resentment, or felt like God was picking on me.  There have been plenty of times where I have cried Uncle.  I have asked God to help, to deliver, to heal, to be close.  So far, he hasn't changed any of my circumstances.  My nephew is still dead and his family is still deep in their grief and will be for some time.  My father-in-law is still dead and my husband is still grieving.  My son still has SPD and anxiety and we still don't have the money to cover his therapy.  I am still in chronic pain and won't have any answers any time soon.  And worst of all, my heart is still broken.

The one and only thing that has changed is my attitude.  God has spoken to me through his word, through sermons at church, friends' kind words and prayers, and through this beautiful book called, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I would recommend it to all who hurt.  These have all been bright spots in dark times. 

In her book she says,

"...all new life comes out of the dark places, and hasn't it always been?  Out of darkness, God spoke forth the teeming life.  That wheat round and ripe across all these fields, they swelled as hope embryos in womb of the black earth.  Out of the dark, tender life unfurled.  Out of my own inner pitch, six human beings emerged, new life, wet and fresh.

All new life labors out of the very bowels of darkness.

That fullest life itself dawns from nothing but Calvary darkness and tomb-cave black into the radiance of Easter morning. 

Out of the darkness of the cross, the world transfigures into new life.  And there is no other way.

Then...yes: It is dark suffering's umbilical cord that alone can untether new life. 

It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace.

And grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering overcomes suffering."

 I am waiting for new life.  Right now everything still feels dead and dried up.  But, I believe that new life is coming.  I don't know where or when or how.  God may never change my circumstances, but he will change my heart.  Even though these times are hard, smell bad and look ugly, he will make me beautiful through it and have me smelling like lilacs.  (I think lilacs smell better than roses.)  Even if I am bent over and crippled and I look like the witch with the one big eye who gives the poison apple to Snow White, inside I will be a beloved princess.  Do you know why?  Because God is always good and I am always loved!  Do I need to say it again?!  God is always good and I am always loved!  I will scream these words in the dark even when they don't feel true.

Satan is out to prove that you and I don't really love God.  He wants to prove that we are just in it for the blessing, that when things get hard we'll turn away.  There have been so many times in the past, that I have raged at God and wanted to turn away.  This time is different.  I will still lament, I will still ask God why, I will still pour out my heart.  But I will not stop believing that God is always good and I am always loved.  I have drawn a line in the sand and I'm not going back.  Will you join me on this side of the line?  Will you join me and say, "God is always good and I am always loved?"

If you're not there yet, it's okay.  God and I have had our many wrestling matches, and he'll wrestle with you just the same.  Just know that the statement is true and He will prove it to you in time, if you let Him.