I have been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now, but I haven't had the opportunity. Now that I do have the time, I find myself wanting to take a nap instead. I am just not sure I really want to share this story. It seems awfully vulnerable. But this is The Real Honest Life, right? What would happen if I wasn't honest??
A couple weeks ago I decided to do an 8 day juice fast. I ground up fruits and veggies in my blender and squeezed them through cheese cloth. It was disgusting. If you ever do one, here's a hint, don't EVER juice celery or cucumber because no matter what else you put in there that is all you will taste. Unless of course you really like celery and cucumber, then juice away.
The juice fast started because I was desperate to lose weight. I have been trying hard for over a year now to really focus on a healthy life style, and of course, I wanted the outcome to be a huge weight loss. I did lose some weight, but not even half of my goal. I felt desperate. I wanted what I called victory. I had invited many people into this weight loss goal, and I hated that I was appearing to be a failure. I can honestly say I was hungry for every minute of those 8 days. I couldn't even sleep because of the hunger pains. The first 3 days, I lost 4 lbs. I was thrilled at first until over the duration of the next 5 days I slowly gained it back. The anger and rage that over took me is something that you would not want to know about, so that's all I'll say about it.
Now I must give you some back story here. When I was young, around 16, I struggled with an eating disorder. I would not have called it an eating disorder at the time, and in fact I probably didn't call it that until about a year ago. But, looking back, it's clearly what it was. I allowed myself one meal a day. It was a diet tuna fish sandwich and an apple. I would go all day without eating until I got home from school, I would eat at 4:00 pm and then skip dinner with my family. I also exercised at least twice a day, often 3 times. I have no idea how much weight I lost, but I dropped 4 sizes in a matter of months.
My teachers at school were starting to get concerned and were asking me questions. I would simply answer, "If I'm not hungry, I just don't eat." But the truth is, I was hungry all the time! I loved the feeling of hunger. I know that sounds so strange. But it made me feel good to know I could be hungry and still choose not to eat. Eating disorders are a strange mix of self loathing and self obsession. When I could control what I ate, I thought that maybe just maybe I wasn't a worthless failure.
Well, during those 8 days, that 16 year old girl came back to live in my house. Nobody liked her! I was not kind to my husband or my children. I again started to thrive on the feeling of hunger, but when I would weigh and wasn't getting the results I wanted...oh it was not good. The feelings of self-hatred nearly overwhelmed me. I entertained thoughts like, "Fine! I will just stop eating until I die and we'll see if I die fat or thin." I can't believe I just wrote that down, I'm not sure I really want you to read that. But it is the truth. I was hating myself, wanting to be dead, just like when I was 16.
Because we never have the advantage of fighting one battle at a time, of course Kam was struggling in school during those same 8 days. He got 3 demerits in about 5 days. Both of these things spoke the word, "FAILURE!!" over me. And I believed it.
After Kam's third demerit, the dam finally burst and I sobbed and sobbed. I poured my heart out to God, asked Him why he wouldn't let me have my dream of being thin and beautiful? Why wouldn't He help Kameron behave in school? On and on, I just let it all pour out, until the tears dried up. I didn't hear an answer but what did happen is just as much of a miracle. I felt something in my heart change, a softening took place. I said to God, "I don't want to be angry with you."
It was very similar to how I feel with Matt after we've had a fight. I'm angry, I think things like, "He's such a jerk!" And then my heart softens, I remember who he is and who we are together and how much he truly loves me and how he doesn't try to hurt me on purpose.
I felt God's love wash over me. I felt a tenderness from him and toward him that I had not known before. I am still feeling it. I think for so long, I have known in my head that he loves me, that he's good. But now I am finally starting to believe his love for me in my heart.
I have come to realize that when I hate myself, it trickles down and I also hate my husband and children. When I can accept God's love and kindness and therefore be kind to myself, I am also kind to my husband and children. Hating yourself is not holy or humble, it is completely and totally self centered.
I don't know where I will be tomorrow, but today I am basking in God's love for me. I am feeling it in the core of my being. I feel miraculously released from the word, "failure." Yes, I fail, we all do. That doesn't mean we're failures. Maybe God didn't make a "Worthless failure" when he made me. Maybe he made Kathryn, his beloved daughter, who trusts her creator and knows that she is loved.
Here's a quote from Ransomed Heart Ministries today, "Women...How do we cultivate beauty? How do we become even more beautiful? By tending to our hearts with great care, as a master gardener tends to her work."
I will end with an excerpt from my devotional the other day, "He is good. Trust in Him. Know that all is well. Leave in His hands the present and the future, knowing only that He is good. He can bring order out of chaos, good out of evil, peace out of turmoil."
