It sounds sacrilegious, doesn't it? Now, please hear me correctly, I am not for one minute trying to say that God has sinned against me. I am not even trying to say that God is to blame for all my problems. But, that doesn't change the fact that I have blamed Him for every single thing that has gone wrong in this world. Maybe a better way to put it would be to surrender or to submit to God's will, but you see I feel like I've been doing that, but with a really bitter heart. I have said to God, "Okay, Lord, have your way...but I am NOT happy about it, I WILL hold it against you, and I WILL punish you with hateful thoughts." Oh, man, that is ugly. Forgive me, Lord!
As I was praying about this I said, "My heart is so hard, Lord." I heard back from Him. He said, "Your heart is broken." I was blown away by the grace in that statement. I wept because He is right. My heart is so broken. I won't go into all the reasons why, just know that my heart is broken in more ways than one.
Today I worked out for the first time in three weeks. I was finally making some progress in my workout routine when I was hit with sickness and extreme fatigue. An old trick the enemy likes to throw at me often. My weight loss journey is a long story full of ups, downs and turn-arounds. Too long of a story to explain in a blog post, but long story short, it is where I doubt God the most. It is where I have had a great deal of anger with Him. It is where I believe things will never change.
It was an angry work out today. Yes, angry. My first angry work out since the 11th grade when I had a fight with Marc Anderson, hung up on him, and never talked to him again. I can't explain what truly happened, it's like anger washed over me like a river. I started working out and I felt enraged over my feelings of failure, enraged over the lies I have believed, enraged over how the enemy has had me over a barrel.
For the first time in my life, I think I am actually angry with the right person. I am furious with the enemy and his plan to keep me in bondage. For way too long, I've been angry at God for how hard life is. Well, guess what. I am so over that!! I am so tired of living in defeat. I am so tired of living in discouragement. I am tired of crying. I am done prophesying failure over myself! Most of all, I am tired of believing the enemy's lies. It is time to settle some business. It is time for war!
During my workout instead of watching the clock, feeling sorry for myself, and playing that old tape that says, "Why do you even bother with this? You know you're always going to be fat! This will never work," I did something different. I said out-loud, "I am worth it, because God, says I'm worth it." I said it over and over until I started to believe it. Until the lie of being worthless sounded less true.
By the end of my workout I was praising God and something amazing happened. I felt free. A burden was lifted. For the first time in way too long, I felt happy. Yes, happy.
I believe I have forgiven God. Or you could say, I have let Him out of the box I put Him in. Or you could say, that I have died to myself. I have surrendered. I have submitted to His will. I have released God to be God. I'm sure the battle is not over, it's probably just beginning, but I took some of what the enemy has stolen from me back today. I don't plan to give it up again. I am holding on to my healing and my Jesus with all my heart. Satan will not get that again.
God confirmed the work He did in me today with Isaiah 45:8-12.
Open up, heavens, and rain. Clouds, pour out buckets of my goodness! Loosen up, earth, and bloom salvation; sprout right living. I, God, generate all this. But doom to you who fight your Maker— you're a pot at odds with the potter! Does clay talk back to the potter: 'What are you doing? What clumsy fingers!' Would a sperm say to a father, 'Who gave you permission to use me to make a baby?' Or a fetus to a mother, 'Why have you cooped me up in this belly?'"Thus God, The Holy of Israel, Israel's Maker, says: "Do you question who or what I'm making? Are you telling me what I can or cannot do? I made earth, and I created man and woman to live on it. I handcrafted the skies and direct all the constellations in their turnings.
And as I often do, I will end with an old hymn.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Thou art the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after thy will, while I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Search me and try me, Savior today! Wash me just now, Lord, wash me just now, as in thy presence humbly I bow.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Wounded and weary, help me I pray! Power, all power, surely is thine! Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!
