It's been a rough couple of months, and frankly I haven't felt like writing. It's been one blow after another for Matt and me, for our family and for our loved ones. I have been angry with God. You can judge me for that if you'd like, but it's just the truth. I haven't wanted to be angry with God, but I was angry just the same.
I long to be the kind of person who has this quiet trust at all times. A woman of great faith, that's who I want to be. When the storm comes, I want to know to the depths of my soul that nothing will shake me, that God is in control and anything He brings into my life is for my good. I want that so bad. But, the truth is, I'm not there. I have to fight, hard, to be a woman of faith. I have to fight, hard, to be a woman of hope. Love comes a bit easier, but I still have to fight for it. I wrestle with God a lot.
Sometimes I am truly like a spoiled child with God. I want what I want when I want it, and when I don't get it, I pout. I'm pretty good at pouting. I want things to go my way. I want life to be easy. I want my weight to fall off without having to work for it. I want my children to behave without me having to teach them how. I want my husband to always be in a good mood. I want my friends to come through for me. I want my family to get along. I want money left over after all the bills are paid and the kids are fed. I want Josie and Payden's brain tumors to just disappear, without any surgery, without any chemo...
Life "going my way" is a broken cistern for me that I run after like something is chasing me. I have been running after it since I can remember and I still haven't caught it. God doesn't let me catch it. I'm not saying He never lets me have anything good. I have been given too many good blessings to even count. But, he keeps blocking the easy path for me. He does that because he loves me and He knows what's best for me. The easy way is not His way.
Yesterday, our pastor, Louie, said something that I've heard him say before, but it never hit me like it did yesterday. He said, "There is nothing automatic about the Christian life." What?! Because I love Jesus I don't automatically trust Him? Because I am a Christian, I don't automatically have faith and hope and love? No, I have to fight for it! Guess what!! It's okay that I have to fight for it! What a relief. Isn't God just so amazing?! Oh His grace blows me away.
God is not looking for perfection, He is looking for repentance. Man, am I grateful for that! Psalm 62:1-2, "I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken." God is changing me in His time, in His way, and He will supply the victory. I will wait for Him and I will fight as hard as I need to to trust Him.
I remember a couple years ago, saying to a dear friend, "I'm just stuck in this cycle of anger with God and not believing He is for me. I feel like I learn that lesson, just to turn around and have to learn again. I am going around in circles." He said, "Yes, maybe you are going around in circles, but the circle is getting smaller. It takes you less time to realize your sin, and less time to repent. That is progress!" Louie calls that a lifestyle of repentance. I guess I'm not so hopeless after all.
This Larry Crabb quote from his book, Shattered Dreams, is a huge comfort to me. "From happiness through despair to joy - that's the cycle. Then, since joy is never fully settled, it repeats itself. Our lives move again from feeling pretty good to hurting terribly to deeper hope, different and richer. The 'happiness-to-despair' part at least is familiar to every honest person who sincerely tries to follow this crazy, narrow, pothole-ridden path called the Christian life."
Thank you, Lord, for your precious grace. Thank you Jesus for paying for all my sin on the cross. Thank you, Lord, for your gift of repentance.
Now my heart is singing an old hymn from my childhood. "Thank you Lord, for saving my soul. Thank you Lord, for making me whole. Thank you Lord, for giving to me thy great salvation, so rich and free."
