A story about water and where to find it

I have a dream. A dream of a back yard oasis. A dream of privacy, beauty and a pool. Yes, a pool. It may seem superficial, but it's what I want. I long to spend every summer day playing in the pool with my kids. Having lunch out on the deck. Having dinner on the grill, then going for a dip right before bed.

You see, I grew up in Traverse City, Michigan. When I was really little, we lived out on Old Mission Peninsula. We were just a quick trip from Old Mission Point and the Light House. My earliest memories are from that beach. Swimming out to "The Big Rock," that I can't seem to find anymore when we visit. Washing my feet off under the faucet on the side of the Light House, only to have them all sandy again by the time we got to the car. When I was older and we moved into town, we went to the beach every day. Sometimes twice a day. After my dad would get home from a long day at work, it could be 9 pm and he would say to my sister, Rachel and I, "Do you wanna go for a swim?" We would load the inner-tubes in the car and off we'd go. We'd float, we'd swim, we'd goof around, we'd lay on the beach and Rachel would say, "I'm getting a moon tan." Summer was about the water. And maybe the cherries. And sometimes about the Gibby's french fries.

16 years ago, I married this boy named, Matt. He is now a man named Matt. We put down roots in Grand Rapids, MI. In many ways, we love it here. We have friends here, we have children who have friends here, we have great neighbors here, we have a very loved church family here. But there is very little water. My heart aches to be filled with water. Maybe it sounds foolish to you, but is is a real longing for me. I could cry right now with tears of longing.

Yesterday, I spent half the day in tears. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and downright annoyed with how life has happened to us. We're upside down in a mortgage we can barely afford and we need a new roof. And the truth is, my dreams and longings rub right up against my husband's feelings of inadequacy and they are rubbing his poor heart raw. It creates tension.

God does that on purpose ya know. He wants to expose Matt's feelings of inadequacy. Not to be cruel, but so that he can heal them. He wants to expose the longings of my heart, sometimes to fill them, sometimes to be enough in the ache.

Yesterday, I wanted to lay outside in the grass and stare up in the sky and beg God to either take away the dream or to fulfill it. But I have neighbors, and that would have been pretty weird. But, I couldn't wait until the kids were in bed and I could get out of the house for a bit. But ya know what? When I walked outside...it smelled...bad. It smelled like, well, poop. The air smelled like poop. I decided a walk was out of the question and got into my car and went for a drive instead. I forgot about the poop smell for a while until I got out of the car at the gas station. Gag! More poop! I could not help but ponder the poop. I enjoy pondering, not usually about poop though. I knew God was saying to me, "If you want anything in this world more than you want me, it won't be worth it. It will not satisfy you! It will end up smelling like filthy rags, broken cisterns, and yes, poop."

Jeremiah 2:10 My people have done two evil things. They have abandoned me, the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all!

The truth is, I have much to be grateful for. We have a home, it is a stretch, but we make our payments. We have running water, electricity, heat and central air for crying out loud! I have a sensitive and loving husband who is my best friend. We have three delightful (most of the time) children. I tell my children all the time, "We are rich! In most of the world, you are considered weathy if you own one book." Sometimes I have to remind myself of this as well.

Even if I woke up and all of these things I love were gone, I would still have Jesus. Nobody can take him away from me. He is the absolute delight of my heart. Sometimes I forget it and have to be reminded, but it never ceases to be true.

Isaiah 55:1-3 Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.