I have been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now, but I haven't had the opportunity. Now that I do have the time, I find myself wanting to take a nap instead. I am just not sure I really want to share this story. It seems awfully vulnerable. But this is The Real Honest Life, right? What would happen if I wasn't honest??
A couple weeks ago I decided to do an 8 day juice fast. I ground up fruits and veggies in my blender and squeezed them through cheese cloth. It was disgusting. If you ever do one, here's a hint, don't EVER juice celery or cucumber because no matter what else you put in there that is all you will taste. Unless of course you really like celery and cucumber, then juice away.
The juice fast started because I was desperate to lose weight. I have been trying hard for over a year now to really focus on a healthy life style, and of course, I wanted the outcome to be a huge weight loss. I did lose some weight, but not even half of my goal. I felt desperate. I wanted what I called victory. I had invited many people into this weight loss goal, and I hated that I was appearing to be a failure. I can honestly say I was hungry for every minute of those 8 days. I couldn't even sleep because of the hunger pains. The first 3 days, I lost 4 lbs. I was thrilled at first until over the duration of the next 5 days I slowly gained it back. The anger and rage that over took me is something that you would not want to know about, so that's all I'll say about it.
Now I must give you some back story here. When I was young, around 16, I struggled with an eating disorder. I would not have called it an eating disorder at the time, and in fact I probably didn't call it that until about a year ago. But, looking back, it's clearly what it was. I allowed myself one meal a day. It was a diet tuna fish sandwich and an apple. I would go all day without eating until I got home from school, I would eat at 4:00 pm and then skip dinner with my family. I also exercised at least twice a day, often 3 times. I have no idea how much weight I lost, but I dropped 4 sizes in a matter of months.
My teachers at school were starting to get concerned and were asking me questions. I would simply answer, "If I'm not hungry, I just don't eat." But the truth is, I was hungry all the time! I loved the feeling of hunger. I know that sounds so strange. But it made me feel good to know I could be hungry and still choose not to eat. Eating disorders are a strange mix of self loathing and self obsession. When I could control what I ate, I thought that maybe just maybe I wasn't a worthless failure.
Well, during those 8 days, that 16 year old girl came back to live in my house. Nobody liked her! I was not kind to my husband or my children. I again started to thrive on the feeling of hunger, but when I would weigh and wasn't getting the results I wanted...oh it was not good. The feelings of self-hatred nearly overwhelmed me. I entertained thoughts like, "Fine! I will just stop eating until I die and we'll see if I die fat or thin." I can't believe I just wrote that down, I'm not sure I really want you to read that. But it is the truth. I was hating myself, wanting to be dead, just like when I was 16.
Because we never have the advantage of fighting one battle at a time, of course Kam was struggling in school during those same 8 days. He got 3 demerits in about 5 days. Both of these things spoke the word, "FAILURE!!" over me. And I believed it.
After Kam's third demerit, the dam finally burst and I sobbed and sobbed. I poured my heart out to God, asked Him why he wouldn't let me have my dream of being thin and beautiful? Why wouldn't He help Kameron behave in school? On and on, I just let it all pour out, until the tears dried up. I didn't hear an answer but what did happen is just as much of a miracle. I felt something in my heart change, a softening took place. I said to God, "I don't want to be angry with you."
It was very similar to how I feel with Matt after we've had a fight. I'm angry, I think things like, "He's such a jerk!" And then my heart softens, I remember who he is and who we are together and how much he truly loves me and how he doesn't try to hurt me on purpose.
I felt God's love wash over me. I felt a tenderness from him and toward him that I had not known before. I am still feeling it. I think for so long, I have known in my head that he loves me, that he's good. But now I am finally starting to believe his love for me in my heart.
I have come to realize that when I hate myself, it trickles down and I also hate my husband and children. When I can accept God's love and kindness and therefore be kind to myself, I am also kind to my husband and children. Hating yourself is not holy or humble, it is completely and totally self centered.
I don't know where I will be tomorrow, but today I am basking in God's love for me. I am feeling it in the core of my being. I feel miraculously released from the word, "failure." Yes, I fail, we all do. That doesn't mean we're failures. Maybe God didn't make a "Worthless failure" when he made me. Maybe he made Kathryn, his beloved daughter, who trusts her creator and knows that she is loved.
Here's a quote from Ransomed Heart Ministries today, "Women...How do we cultivate beauty? How do we become even more beautiful? By tending to our hearts with great care, as a master gardener tends to her work."
I will end with an excerpt from my devotional the other day, "He is good. Trust in Him. Know that all is well. Leave in His hands the present and the future, knowing only that He is good. He can bring order out of chaos, good out of evil, peace out of turmoil."
Monday, September 26, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Forgiving God?
A couple weeks ago, our beloved Pastor Louie gave his famous forgiveness sermon. It gets better every time he preaches it. Seriously, you would think it was something we would dread, but I don't know anybody who does. He uses Larry Crabb's "True Forgiveness Diagram" and breaks it down into really helpful steps. Usually, when Louie preaches this sermon, I feel convicted about a certain person I need to forgive. This Sunday, it was different. I felt God urging me to acknowledge my bitterness against Him and it made me wonder, do I need to forgive God?
It sounds sacrilegious, doesn't it? Now, please hear me correctly, I am not for one minute trying to say that God has sinned against me. I am not even trying to say that God is to blame for all my problems. But, that doesn't change the fact that I have blamed Him for every single thing that has gone wrong in this world. Maybe a better way to put it would be to surrender or to submit to God's will, but you see I feel like I've been doing that, but with a really bitter heart. I have said to God, "Okay, Lord, have your way...but I am NOT happy about it, I WILL hold it against you, and I WILL punish you with hateful thoughts." Oh, man, that is ugly. Forgive me, Lord!
As I was praying about this I said, "My heart is so hard, Lord." I heard back from Him. He said, "Your heart is broken." I was blown away by the grace in that statement. I wept because He is right. My heart is so broken. I won't go into all the reasons why, just know that my heart is broken in more ways than one.
Today I worked out for the first time in three weeks. I was finally making some progress in my workout routine when I was hit with sickness and extreme fatigue. An old trick the enemy likes to throw at me often. My weight loss journey is a long story full of ups, downs and turn-arounds. Too long of a story to explain in a blog post, but long story short, it is where I doubt God the most. It is where I have had a great deal of anger with Him. It is where I believe things will never change.
It was an angry work out today. Yes, angry. My first angry work out since the 11th grade when I had a fight with Marc Anderson, hung up on him, and never talked to him again. I can't explain what truly happened, it's like anger washed over me like a river. I started working out and I felt enraged over my feelings of failure, enraged over the lies I have believed, enraged over how the enemy has had me over a barrel.
For the first time in my life, I think I am actually angry with the right person. I am furious with the enemy and his plan to keep me in bondage. For way too long, I've been angry at God for how hard life is. Well, guess what. I am so over that!! I am so tired of living in defeat. I am so tired of living in discouragement. I am tired of crying. I am done prophesying failure over myself! Most of all, I am tired of believing the enemy's lies. It is time to settle some business. It is time for war!
During my workout instead of watching the clock, feeling sorry for myself, and playing that old tape that says, "Why do you even bother with this? You know you're always going to be fat! This will never work," I did something different. I said out-loud, "I am worth it, because God, says I'm worth it." I said it over and over until I started to believe it. Until the lie of being worthless sounded less true.
By the end of my workout I was praising God and something amazing happened. I felt free. A burden was lifted. For the first time in way too long, I felt happy. Yes, happy.
I believe I have forgiven God. Or you could say, I have let Him out of the box I put Him in. Or you could say, that I have died to myself. I have surrendered. I have submitted to His will. I have released God to be God. I'm sure the battle is not over, it's probably just beginning, but I took some of what the enemy has stolen from me back today. I don't plan to give it up again. I am holding on to my healing and my Jesus with all my heart. Satan will not get that again.
God confirmed the work He did in me today with Isaiah 45:8-12.
Open up, heavens, and rain. Clouds, pour out buckets of my goodness! Loosen up, earth, and bloom salvation; sprout right living. I, God, generate all this. But doom to you who fight your Maker— you're a pot at odds with the potter! Does clay talk back to the potter: 'What are you doing? What clumsy fingers!' Would a sperm say to a father, 'Who gave you permission to use me to make a baby?' Or a fetus to a mother, 'Why have you cooped me up in this belly?'"Thus God, The Holy of Israel, Israel's Maker, says: "Do you question who or what I'm making? Are you telling me what I can or cannot do? I made earth, and I created man and woman to live on it. I handcrafted the skies and direct all the constellations in their turnings.
And as I often do, I will end with an old hymn.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Thou art the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after thy will, while I am waiting, yielded and still.
It sounds sacrilegious, doesn't it? Now, please hear me correctly, I am not for one minute trying to say that God has sinned against me. I am not even trying to say that God is to blame for all my problems. But, that doesn't change the fact that I have blamed Him for every single thing that has gone wrong in this world. Maybe a better way to put it would be to surrender or to submit to God's will, but you see I feel like I've been doing that, but with a really bitter heart. I have said to God, "Okay, Lord, have your way...but I am NOT happy about it, I WILL hold it against you, and I WILL punish you with hateful thoughts." Oh, man, that is ugly. Forgive me, Lord!
As I was praying about this I said, "My heart is so hard, Lord." I heard back from Him. He said, "Your heart is broken." I was blown away by the grace in that statement. I wept because He is right. My heart is so broken. I won't go into all the reasons why, just know that my heart is broken in more ways than one.
Today I worked out for the first time in three weeks. I was finally making some progress in my workout routine when I was hit with sickness and extreme fatigue. An old trick the enemy likes to throw at me often. My weight loss journey is a long story full of ups, downs and turn-arounds. Too long of a story to explain in a blog post, but long story short, it is where I doubt God the most. It is where I have had a great deal of anger with Him. It is where I believe things will never change.
It was an angry work out today. Yes, angry. My first angry work out since the 11th grade when I had a fight with Marc Anderson, hung up on him, and never talked to him again. I can't explain what truly happened, it's like anger washed over me like a river. I started working out and I felt enraged over my feelings of failure, enraged over the lies I have believed, enraged over how the enemy has had me over a barrel.
For the first time in my life, I think I am actually angry with the right person. I am furious with the enemy and his plan to keep me in bondage. For way too long, I've been angry at God for how hard life is. Well, guess what. I am so over that!! I am so tired of living in defeat. I am so tired of living in discouragement. I am tired of crying. I am done prophesying failure over myself! Most of all, I am tired of believing the enemy's lies. It is time to settle some business. It is time for war!
During my workout instead of watching the clock, feeling sorry for myself, and playing that old tape that says, "Why do you even bother with this? You know you're always going to be fat! This will never work," I did something different. I said out-loud, "I am worth it, because God, says I'm worth it." I said it over and over until I started to believe it. Until the lie of being worthless sounded less true.
By the end of my workout I was praising God and something amazing happened. I felt free. A burden was lifted. For the first time in way too long, I felt happy. Yes, happy.
I believe I have forgiven God. Or you could say, I have let Him out of the box I put Him in. Or you could say, that I have died to myself. I have surrendered. I have submitted to His will. I have released God to be God. I'm sure the battle is not over, it's probably just beginning, but I took some of what the enemy has stolen from me back today. I don't plan to give it up again. I am holding on to my healing and my Jesus with all my heart. Satan will not get that again.
God confirmed the work He did in me today with Isaiah 45:8-12.
Open up, heavens, and rain. Clouds, pour out buckets of my goodness! Loosen up, earth, and bloom salvation; sprout right living. I, God, generate all this. But doom to you who fight your Maker— you're a pot at odds with the potter! Does clay talk back to the potter: 'What are you doing? What clumsy fingers!' Would a sperm say to a father, 'Who gave you permission to use me to make a baby?' Or a fetus to a mother, 'Why have you cooped me up in this belly?'"Thus God, The Holy of Israel, Israel's Maker, says: "Do you question who or what I'm making? Are you telling me what I can or cannot do? I made earth, and I created man and woman to live on it. I handcrafted the skies and direct all the constellations in their turnings.
And as I often do, I will end with an old hymn.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Thou art the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after thy will, while I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Search me and try me, Savior today! Wash me just now, Lord, wash me just now, as in thy presence humbly I bow.
Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way! Wounded and weary, help me I pray! Power, all power, surely is thine! Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Repentance, Not Perfection
It's been a rough couple of months, and frankly I haven't felt like writing. It's been one blow after another for Matt and me, for our family and for our loved ones. I have been angry with God. You can judge me for that if you'd like, but it's just the truth. I haven't wanted to be angry with God, but I was angry just the same.
I long to be the kind of person who has this quiet trust at all times. A woman of great faith, that's who I want to be. When the storm comes, I want to know to the depths of my soul that nothing will shake me, that God is in control and anything He brings into my life is for my good. I want that so bad. But, the truth is, I'm not there. I have to fight, hard, to be a woman of faith. I have to fight, hard, to be a woman of hope. Love comes a bit easier, but I still have to fight for it. I wrestle with God a lot.
Sometimes I am truly like a spoiled child with God. I want what I want when I want it, and when I don't get it, I pout. I'm pretty good at pouting. I want things to go my way. I want life to be easy. I want my weight to fall off without having to work for it. I want my children to behave without me having to teach them how. I want my husband to always be in a good mood. I want my friends to come through for me. I want my family to get along. I want money left over after all the bills are paid and the kids are fed. I want Josie and Payden's brain tumors to just disappear, without any surgery, without any chemo...
Life "going my way" is a broken cistern for me that I run after like something is chasing me. I have been running after it since I can remember and I still haven't caught it. God doesn't let me catch it. I'm not saying He never lets me have anything good. I have been given too many good blessings to even count. But, he keeps blocking the easy path for me. He does that because he loves me and He knows what's best for me. The easy way is not His way.
Yesterday, our pastor, Louie, said something that I've heard him say before, but it never hit me like it did yesterday. He said, "There is nothing automatic about the Christian life." What?! Because I love Jesus I don't automatically trust Him? Because I am a Christian, I don't automatically have faith and hope and love? No, I have to fight for it! Guess what!! It's okay that I have to fight for it! What a relief. Isn't God just so amazing?! Oh His grace blows me away.
God is not looking for perfection, He is looking for repentance. Man, am I grateful for that! Psalm 62:1-2, "I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken." God is changing me in His time, in His way, and He will supply the victory. I will wait for Him and I will fight as hard as I need to to trust Him.
I remember a couple years ago, saying to a dear friend, "I'm just stuck in this cycle of anger with God and not believing He is for me. I feel like I learn that lesson, just to turn around and have to learn again. I am going around in circles." He said, "Yes, maybe you are going around in circles, but the circle is getting smaller. It takes you less time to realize your sin, and less time to repent. That is progress!" Louie calls that a lifestyle of repentance. I guess I'm not so hopeless after all.
This Larry Crabb quote from his book, Shattered Dreams, is a huge comfort to me. "From happiness through despair to joy - that's the cycle. Then, since joy is never fully settled, it repeats itself. Our lives move again from feeling pretty good to hurting terribly to deeper hope, different and richer. The 'happiness-to-despair' part at least is familiar to every honest person who sincerely tries to follow this crazy, narrow, pothole-ridden path called the Christian life."
Thank you, Lord, for your precious grace. Thank you Jesus for paying for all my sin on the cross. Thank you, Lord, for your gift of repentance.
Now my heart is singing an old hymn from my childhood. "Thank you Lord, for saving my soul. Thank you Lord, for making me whole. Thank you Lord, for giving to me thy great salvation, so rich and free."
I long to be the kind of person who has this quiet trust at all times. A woman of great faith, that's who I want to be. When the storm comes, I want to know to the depths of my soul that nothing will shake me, that God is in control and anything He brings into my life is for my good. I want that so bad. But, the truth is, I'm not there. I have to fight, hard, to be a woman of faith. I have to fight, hard, to be a woman of hope. Love comes a bit easier, but I still have to fight for it. I wrestle with God a lot.
Sometimes I am truly like a spoiled child with God. I want what I want when I want it, and when I don't get it, I pout. I'm pretty good at pouting. I want things to go my way. I want life to be easy. I want my weight to fall off without having to work for it. I want my children to behave without me having to teach them how. I want my husband to always be in a good mood. I want my friends to come through for me. I want my family to get along. I want money left over after all the bills are paid and the kids are fed. I want Josie and Payden's brain tumors to just disappear, without any surgery, without any chemo...
Life "going my way" is a broken cistern for me that I run after like something is chasing me. I have been running after it since I can remember and I still haven't caught it. God doesn't let me catch it. I'm not saying He never lets me have anything good. I have been given too many good blessings to even count. But, he keeps blocking the easy path for me. He does that because he loves me and He knows what's best for me. The easy way is not His way.
Yesterday, our pastor, Louie, said something that I've heard him say before, but it never hit me like it did yesterday. He said, "There is nothing automatic about the Christian life." What?! Because I love Jesus I don't automatically trust Him? Because I am a Christian, I don't automatically have faith and hope and love? No, I have to fight for it! Guess what!! It's okay that I have to fight for it! What a relief. Isn't God just so amazing?! Oh His grace blows me away.
God is not looking for perfection, He is looking for repentance. Man, am I grateful for that! Psalm 62:1-2, "I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken." God is changing me in His time, in His way, and He will supply the victory. I will wait for Him and I will fight as hard as I need to to trust Him.
I remember a couple years ago, saying to a dear friend, "I'm just stuck in this cycle of anger with God and not believing He is for me. I feel like I learn that lesson, just to turn around and have to learn again. I am going around in circles." He said, "Yes, maybe you are going around in circles, but the circle is getting smaller. It takes you less time to realize your sin, and less time to repent. That is progress!" Louie calls that a lifestyle of repentance. I guess I'm not so hopeless after all.
This Larry Crabb quote from his book, Shattered Dreams, is a huge comfort to me. "From happiness through despair to joy - that's the cycle. Then, since joy is never fully settled, it repeats itself. Our lives move again from feeling pretty good to hurting terribly to deeper hope, different and richer. The 'happiness-to-despair' part at least is familiar to every honest person who sincerely tries to follow this crazy, narrow, pothole-ridden path called the Christian life."
Thank you, Lord, for your precious grace. Thank you Jesus for paying for all my sin on the cross. Thank you, Lord, for your gift of repentance.
Now my heart is singing an old hymn from my childhood. "Thank you Lord, for saving my soul. Thank you Lord, for making me whole. Thank you Lord, for giving to me thy great salvation, so rich and free."
Friday, June 10, 2011
A review of True North: Choosing God in the Frustrations of Life, by Gary and Lisa Heim
I just posted my first, and most likely last, review on Amazon.com. Don't get too excited, I'm not a professional or anything. It's just that our really good friends wrote an amazing book and I was asked to write a review. I thought since I put my heart into it, I would share it here as well. If you would like a copy of the book it is available on Amazon. (You should really get it!) So, here it is.
In the CS Lewis book, "The Horse and His Boy," the main character, Shasta, goes through many trials. His life has been characterized by pain, struggle, abuse, and frustration. When he is feeling his most desperate and completely sorry for himself, he exclaims with tears streaming down his face, "I must be the most unfortunate boy!" It is then that he realizes something is walking next to him in the dark and he can't see it. He ends up having an encounter with the Great Lion, Aslan. Aslan steps in at just the right moment and gives Shasta a new prospective, a new way to think about his trials, a taste of the bigger picture. He draws Shasta out of his own story, and into a bigger story, Aslan's story.
In essence, that is what Gary and Lisa Heim's book, "True North" does for you and me. They give us a paradigm shift, a new prospective and a new way to think about trials and even every day frustrations. They call us out of our own little stories, and draw us up into God's bigger story.
I must out myself at this time and tell you I have been blessed by being under the teaching of Gary and Lisa for years. I have been taught these concepts from their very own lips, and I have to say I am a changed woman. My life was once characterized by anger and rage, and I was becoming less and less able to hide it. I didn't know how to feel any other emotion but anger. Through these concepts for the first time, I was able to see underneath the anger. I was able to ask myself and God why I was so angry. God has exposed countless numbers of lies I was believing. Through this teaching, God cut my heart open and carefully mended the broken pieces back together. I now have all kinds of emotions, not just anger. Although anger is still a struggle from time to time, rage no longer enters the picture.
True North is a "how to" book without actually being a "how to" book. The Heim's acknowledge that this is actually God's work. We cannot just try harder and suddenly have it all together. But, this book exposes our sin, which leads to repentance, which leads to true and lasting change. Praise God for Gary and Lisa Heim! And praise God for the beautifully written, heartfelt and very useful book!
In the CS Lewis book, "The Horse and His Boy," the main character, Shasta, goes through many trials. His life has been characterized by pain, struggle, abuse, and frustration. When he is feeling his most desperate and completely sorry for himself, he exclaims with tears streaming down his face, "I must be the most unfortunate boy!" It is then that he realizes something is walking next to him in the dark and he can't see it. He ends up having an encounter with the Great Lion, Aslan. Aslan steps in at just the right moment and gives Shasta a new prospective, a new way to think about his trials, a taste of the bigger picture. He draws Shasta out of his own story, and into a bigger story, Aslan's story.
In essence, that is what Gary and Lisa Heim's book, "True North" does for you and me. They give us a paradigm shift, a new prospective and a new way to think about trials and even every day frustrations. They call us out of our own little stories, and draw us up into God's bigger story.
I must out myself at this time and tell you I have been blessed by being under the teaching of Gary and Lisa for years. I have been taught these concepts from their very own lips, and I have to say I am a changed woman. My life was once characterized by anger and rage, and I was becoming less and less able to hide it. I didn't know how to feel any other emotion but anger. Through these concepts for the first time, I was able to see underneath the anger. I was able to ask myself and God why I was so angry. God has exposed countless numbers of lies I was believing. Through this teaching, God cut my heart open and carefully mended the broken pieces back together. I now have all kinds of emotions, not just anger. Although anger is still a struggle from time to time, rage no longer enters the picture.
True North is a "how to" book without actually being a "how to" book. The Heim's acknowledge that this is actually God's work. We cannot just try harder and suddenly have it all together. But, this book exposes our sin, which leads to repentance, which leads to true and lasting change. Praise God for Gary and Lisa Heim! And praise God for the beautifully written, heartfelt and very useful book!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A story about water and where to find it
I have a dream. A dream of a back yard oasis. A dream of privacy, beauty and a pool. Yes, a pool. It may seem superficial, but it's what I want. I long to spend every summer day playing in the pool with my kids. Having lunch out on the deck. Having dinner on the grill, then going for a dip right before bed.
You see, I grew up in Traverse City, Michigan. When I was really little, we lived out on Old Mission Peninsula. We were just a quick trip from Old Mission Point and the Light House. My earliest memories are from that beach. Swimming out to "The Big Rock," that I can't seem to find anymore when we visit. Washing my feet off under the faucet on the side of the Light House, only to have them all sandy again by the time we got to the car. When I was older and we moved into town, we went to the beach every day. Sometimes twice a day. After my dad would get home from a long day at work, it could be 9 pm and he would say to my sister, Rachel and I, "Do you wanna go for a swim?" We would load the inner-tubes in the car and off we'd go. We'd float, we'd swim, we'd goof around, we'd lay on the beach and Rachel would say, "I'm getting a moon tan." Summer was about the water. And maybe the cherries. And sometimes about the Gibby's french fries.
16 years ago, I married this boy named, Matt. He is now a man named Matt. We put down roots in Grand Rapids, MI. In many ways, we love it here. We have friends here, we have children who have friends here, we have great neighbors here, we have a very loved church family here. But there is very little water. My heart aches to be filled with water. Maybe it sounds foolish to you, but is is a real longing for me. I could cry right now with tears of longing.
Yesterday, I spent half the day in tears. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and downright annoyed with how life has happened to us. We're upside down in a mortgage we can barely afford and we need a new roof. And the truth is, my dreams and longings rub right up against my husband's feelings of inadequacy and they are rubbing his poor heart raw. It creates tension.
God does that on purpose ya know. He wants to expose Matt's feelings of inadequacy. Not to be cruel, but so that he can heal them. He wants to expose the longings of my heart, sometimes to fill them, sometimes to be enough in the ache.
Yesterday, I wanted to lay outside in the grass and stare up in the sky and beg God to either take away the dream or to fulfill it. But I have neighbors, and that would have been pretty weird. But, I couldn't wait until the kids were in bed and I could get out of the house for a bit. But ya know what? When I walked outside...it smelled...bad. It smelled like, well, poop. The air smelled like poop. I decided a walk was out of the question and got into my car and went for a drive instead. I forgot about the poop smell for a while until I got out of the car at the gas station. Gag! More poop! I could not help but ponder the poop. I enjoy pondering, not usually about poop though. I knew God was saying to me, "If you want anything in this world more than you want me, it won't be worth it. It will not satisfy you! It will end up smelling like filthy rags, broken cisterns, and yes, poop."
Jeremiah 2:10 My people have done two evil things. They have abandoned me, the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all!
The truth is, I have much to be grateful for. We have a home, it is a stretch, but we make our payments. We have running water, electricity, heat and central air for crying out loud! I have a sensitive and loving husband who is my best friend. We have three delightful (most of the time) children. I tell my children all the time, "We are rich! In most of the world, you are considered weathy if you own one book." Sometimes I have to remind myself of this as well.
Even if I woke up and all of these things I love were gone, I would still have Jesus. Nobody can take him away from me. He is the absolute delight of my heart. Sometimes I forget it and have to be reminded, but it never ceases to be true.
Isaiah 55:1-3 Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.
You see, I grew up in Traverse City, Michigan. When I was really little, we lived out on Old Mission Peninsula. We were just a quick trip from Old Mission Point and the Light House. My earliest memories are from that beach. Swimming out to "The Big Rock," that I can't seem to find anymore when we visit. Washing my feet off under the faucet on the side of the Light House, only to have them all sandy again by the time we got to the car. When I was older and we moved into town, we went to the beach every day. Sometimes twice a day. After my dad would get home from a long day at work, it could be 9 pm and he would say to my sister, Rachel and I, "Do you wanna go for a swim?" We would load the inner-tubes in the car and off we'd go. We'd float, we'd swim, we'd goof around, we'd lay on the beach and Rachel would say, "I'm getting a moon tan." Summer was about the water. And maybe the cherries. And sometimes about the Gibby's french fries.
16 years ago, I married this boy named, Matt. He is now a man named Matt. We put down roots in Grand Rapids, MI. In many ways, we love it here. We have friends here, we have children who have friends here, we have great neighbors here, we have a very loved church family here. But there is very little water. My heart aches to be filled with water. Maybe it sounds foolish to you, but is is a real longing for me. I could cry right now with tears of longing.
Yesterday, I spent half the day in tears. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and downright annoyed with how life has happened to us. We're upside down in a mortgage we can barely afford and we need a new roof. And the truth is, my dreams and longings rub right up against my husband's feelings of inadequacy and they are rubbing his poor heart raw. It creates tension.
God does that on purpose ya know. He wants to expose Matt's feelings of inadequacy. Not to be cruel, but so that he can heal them. He wants to expose the longings of my heart, sometimes to fill them, sometimes to be enough in the ache.
Yesterday, I wanted to lay outside in the grass and stare up in the sky and beg God to either take away the dream or to fulfill it. But I have neighbors, and that would have been pretty weird. But, I couldn't wait until the kids were in bed and I could get out of the house for a bit. But ya know what? When I walked outside...it smelled...bad. It smelled like, well, poop. The air smelled like poop. I decided a walk was out of the question and got into my car and went for a drive instead. I forgot about the poop smell for a while until I got out of the car at the gas station. Gag! More poop! I could not help but ponder the poop. I enjoy pondering, not usually about poop though. I knew God was saying to me, "If you want anything in this world more than you want me, it won't be worth it. It will not satisfy you! It will end up smelling like filthy rags, broken cisterns, and yes, poop."
Jeremiah 2:10 My people have done two evil things. They have abandoned me, the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all!
The truth is, I have much to be grateful for. We have a home, it is a stretch, but we make our payments. We have running water, electricity, heat and central air for crying out loud! I have a sensitive and loving husband who is my best friend. We have three delightful (most of the time) children. I tell my children all the time, "We are rich! In most of the world, you are considered weathy if you own one book." Sometimes I have to remind myself of this as well.
Even if I woke up and all of these things I love were gone, I would still have Jesus. Nobody can take him away from me. He is the absolute delight of my heart. Sometimes I forget it and have to be reminded, but it never ceases to be true.
Isaiah 55:1-3 Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.
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